Pop!
"What are you going to do for the weekend?"
"Nothing. Most probably studying for my exam"
"Let's go eat sushi. Do you eat sushi?"
"Yes I do eat sushi. But where?"
"Al Khobar"
"Al Khobar? No no no no. I have to muggle up for my exam"
"OK"
He looked me deep into my eyes.
"Give me one week. Then you can take me wherever you want to. Even to the moon"
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. Anywhere"
"Promise?"
"Promise"
We locked our little fingers and he smiled.
"Promise"
"Nothing. Most probably studying for my exam"
"Let's go eat sushi. Do you eat sushi?"
"Yes I do eat sushi. But where?"
"Al Khobar"
"Al Khobar? No no no no. I have to muggle up for my exam"
"OK"
He looked me deep into my eyes.
"Give me one week. Then you can take me wherever you want to. Even to the moon"
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. Anywhere"
"Promise?"
"Promise"
We locked our little fingers and he smiled.
"Promise"
Little Black Book
"Don't you hate him for what he had done to you?"
"A tiny bit. But being wiped out by his smile"
"Are you dumb or something? Never in my life I see someone so brainless as you. After all the shits that you've been through, you still get over the moon by his fucking smile?"
"I do. That's what love does to you. It puts your sanity at the cliff. Either you stay on the edge worrying to fall down or just jump down and being crazy"
ZA
"A tiny bit. But being wiped out by his smile"
"Are you dumb or something? Never in my life I see someone so brainless as you. After all the shits that you've been through, you still get over the moon by his fucking smile?"
"I do. That's what love does to you. It puts your sanity at the cliff. Either you stay on the edge worrying to fall down or just jump down and being crazy"
ZA
Jeremiah
It was like running straight into Jeremiah. His scruffy curly hair, his lazy eyes, his running-down-to-mustache kind of beard, his faint smile, even the way that he stole his look to me.
It was like witnessing Jeremiah came back to life. As if the wrecked Chevy that tumbled into the sideway of Highway 1didn't leave him any scratch.
And if what I saw was the incidental reincarnation of Jeremiah, I think the rebirth did go wrong. At least Jeremiah wouldn't jump into the line and pretended that he came first. Jeremiah was the definition of a true gentleman, and a gentleman stays true to himself without even trying to be a jerk.
Jeremiah look alike was not the best thing I have to have today. It's exactly like a moment when you are almost fell asleep and got woken up by the tingling sensation for a pee.
Jeremiah look alike is that pee. And he pretty pissed me off.
It was like witnessing Jeremiah came back to life. As if the wrecked Chevy that tumbled into the sideway of Highway 1didn't leave him any scratch.
And if what I saw was the incidental reincarnation of Jeremiah, I think the rebirth did go wrong. At least Jeremiah wouldn't jump into the line and pretended that he came first. Jeremiah was the definition of a true gentleman, and a gentleman stays true to himself without even trying to be a jerk.
Jeremiah look alike was not the best thing I have to have today. It's exactly like a moment when you are almost fell asleep and got woken up by the tingling sensation for a pee.
Jeremiah look alike is that pee. And he pretty pissed me off.
Ruckers
It was the longest one hour I had to endure in my entire adult life. It was the wait for something that would not happen. It was the wait for someone that would not come.
I should've listened to my guts. Men are all good at words, twist it, play with it. With flair.
It was the one hour that I felt I had turned myself into a joker.
I was fooled. By a man. Once again.
ZA
Visitor
Muteb popped in front of my room, came in, throwing his big decent smile.
"What happened the other day?"
"What the other day?"
"You whatsapp-ed me, remember?"
"Not a big thing. Just a little friction"
"But you sound troubled. Tell me. Was it personal or business?"
"Personal. But I took care of it. But it does not feel casual anymore"
"What happened?"
"I will tell you. But not here. Somewhere else. Perhaps over two cups of Americano"
"OK. Time will heal everything. Believe me"
"Maybe"
"I know it will. Take care honey"
"You take care too"
He left. I was not dreaming. He just left. Like a puff of smoke, dissolved in the air.
ZA
"What happened the other day?"
"What the other day?"
"You whatsapp-ed me, remember?"
"Not a big thing. Just a little friction"
"But you sound troubled. Tell me. Was it personal or business?"
"Personal. But I took care of it. But it does not feel casual anymore"
"What happened?"
"I will tell you. But not here. Somewhere else. Perhaps over two cups of Americano"
"OK. Time will heal everything. Believe me"
"Maybe"
"I know it will. Take care honey"
"You take care too"
He left. I was not dreaming. He just left. Like a puff of smoke, dissolved in the air.
ZA
Friction
“If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.”
— Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
Attibassi
Two cups of mocha classic. Two petite small cups. I knew he wasn't good at coffee that when I placed my order, he said to the guy behind the counter — 'same'. Maybe he wanted what I had. Maybe he just didn't want to think much. Maybe he wanted mocha classic in the first place.
He drove his Lexus LS 460 to the beach nearby. There was no one over there, except a few obese arabs walking on the pavement, trying to shed some weight. The thing was, he honored my request to go to the beach. If he'd only knew how much I loved the beaches, he'd probably didn't have a second guess.
I stared to the black canvas of a pretty warm night. Light pollution from the nearby villas obscured the sparkles from the stars afar. But the glorious three-straight stars were glorious, just like what I had in Dungun. There were nothing to talk to. Our last encounter was more than a month ago. We were waiting in the car while watching contractors removing a dome of a vessel.
"Say something", I looked at his scruffy face. Scruffy but irresistably cute. His nose was sharp pointed, it gave a clear shadow on the ledge.
"Something", he smiled cheekily without even looking at me.
I smiled in return. It was a good joke but it wasn't enough to make me laugh.
There was a silence. Complete utter silence. Except when the two obese arabs passed us by again, looking more determined than they were 5 minutes before.
"I think we just should go home", dry but I had to say it. There was nothing to talk to. If I were to enjoy moment of silence, I'd rather go out by myself. The idea of going out with someone, at some remote place, was to talk. Exchange banters. Got to know each other better. But all I could see, was a cold man in a tight green polo tee shirt, holding a cigarrette, one leg on the concrete ledge another on the ground. He was almost like a statue, except he could talk, and he could breathe, just like a normal living man.
"Let's go. Are you inviting me to your house?". A trace of hope was imminent, a hint of excitement was clearly plastered on his face.
"No. I don't think so. I'm going to sleep. A lot of craps need to be settled tomorrow".
I turned around and what was supposed to be a face of a happy child with lollipops turned to be a face of a man who was left out of hope. There were no lollipops.
We walked to his car, evading bushes and small twigs. I hold his hand and I pulled him to me and I whispered
"A boy can't have too much lollipops. Sugar ruins you. You don't want to be obese like those two guys we just saw. A little sweet once a day should be suffice"
He looked at me, bewildered. But he didn't ask anything.
In the car, I wondered what did I just say to him. And I realized, I was in bewilderment, too.
ZA
Road 195
The best thing about driving here in Middle East is, the exchange of occasional flirts with hot Arabs at traffic light junctions.
Could've never been better.
ZA
Porn Star
How does it feel to be a porn star? Do porn stars get paid much? Wouldn't they be contracted with some nasty STD?
I am tired of writing reports. Porn star does not sound so bad.
Please keep your judgment away.
ZA
I am tired of writing reports. Porn star does not sound so bad.
Please keep your judgment away.
ZA
Meanwhile..
"You are sexy"
"Thank you", I giggle.
He plays with my hair.
"I love you"
"I love you too" he giggles.
ZA
"Thank you", I giggle.
He plays with my hair.
"I love you"
"I love you too" he giggles.
ZA
Solace
Do you guys remember that I always tell you that I need to find my hideout to define myself.
I found one today. I couldn't be happier. My little escape. My little hideout. My solace.
ZA
Pray for MH370
There's a familiar name on the passenger manifest. We never ran into each other, but we crossed our paths through someone.
Whatever it is, I hope everything will be fine with flight MH370. Even there's the slimmest hope, it is still a piece of hope.
ZA
Whatever it is, I hope everything will be fine with flight MH370. Even there's the slimmest hope, it is still a piece of hope.
ZA
Bow Down
I am at the Holy Mosque in Makkah right now, lying on my bed waiting for the car to fetch me up to Jeddah airport. As I was browsing my Facebook timeline, Tony posted a picture of a very familiar face, looking so gleamingly happy in his traditional Malay costume, beside a girl that I didn't know (who looked equally happy).
Custard is getting married today. No invitation. Nothing.
Do I feel sad? No.
Do I feel mad? No.
Do I feel helpless? No.
Perhaps it is the best time for him to end his single, alone, maniac life. He should've told her what happened. But perhaps not.
Congratulations. This world needs a little love.
When It's Over
There are people who can walk away from you. Let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over.
TD Jakes
TD Jakes
Little Conversation
I got jealous seeing you talking on the phone with someone that I didn't know. I didn't get jealous because you were talking on the phone – I got jealous because you were talking in a voice so low, with pervert-y smile all plastered on your face, your torso slouched on your chair. I hate it when I went into your cubicle, then you stopped talking, and asked me what I wanted, but the phone was still glued to your ear.
I was so pissed off that you told me you liked me, and yet you didn't do anything to prove anything that you said. I felt like banging my head on the mirrors in the washroom, just to wipe away my embarrassment, for having a tiny bit of jealousy for someone who didn't love me back.
I was so close to tell to the whole world that you asked me out for a fun ride in Bahrain, when your fun ride was merely a term of friends hanging out together. I got lucky that I didn't get invested too much in you, that when I did, I afraid couldn't find the way out.
I am thankful to you. At least the air gets a little pleasant, and the pretty wild flowers are still there to keep my heart warm.
ZA
I was so pissed off that you told me you liked me, and yet you didn't do anything to prove anything that you said. I felt like banging my head on the mirrors in the washroom, just to wipe away my embarrassment, for having a tiny bit of jealousy for someone who didn't love me back.
I was so close to tell to the whole world that you asked me out for a fun ride in Bahrain, when your fun ride was merely a term of friends hanging out together. I got lucky that I didn't get invested too much in you, that when I did, I afraid couldn't find the way out.
I am thankful to you. At least the air gets a little pleasant, and the pretty wild flowers are still there to keep my heart warm.
ZA
Void
The leaves were golden, bathed by the evening sun. Everybody left. Except me. The office was empty. Like my mind. An empty office gave me space to breath and an empty mind gave me peace.
ZA
ZA
North East
"You can't run away from him"
"From who?"
"Liam"
"What on earth?"
"He's coming here. Working with the same company as yours"
"Why the need to tell me this?"
"It's just that both of you are meant to be together, even when you decided to flee away. Away from him"
"Have you heard of coincidence?"
"This is not a coincidence. This is one end of your fate, meets up another. You and him will complete a circle. You and him look like are meant to be together"
"Come on. He just got himself a baby"
"So?"
"So he can fuck off and don't bother me anymore"
"Tell that to yourself. Tell that to your heart"
Life has a way to reconcile with our past memories. And this apparently, with my pain.
ZA
"From who?"
"Liam"
"What on earth?"
"He's coming here. Working with the same company as yours"
"Why the need to tell me this?"
"It's just that both of you are meant to be together, even when you decided to flee away. Away from him"
"Have you heard of coincidence?"
"This is not a coincidence. This is one end of your fate, meets up another. You and him will complete a circle. You and him look like are meant to be together"
"Come on. He just got himself a baby"
"So?"
"So he can fuck off and don't bother me anymore"
"Tell that to yourself. Tell that to your heart"
Life has a way to reconcile with our past memories. And this apparently, with my pain.
ZA
Shiver
When I thought the winter is over, the temperature plunged into freezing state all over again. It has been a mild 19 to 22 degrees and all of a sudden, it went below 8 this morning. This perhaps to continue until next week, then it's going to be warm and before we know it, the temperature will rise like crazy. Fifty five degrees celcius during the day is a little wild. Who knows it shoots up to 60 and breaks the thermometer?
It is downright eerie. But now, it is pretty cold. It reminds me of spring in London. And it is pretty much like spring right now, with yellow and red flowers sprouting all over the place. Those certainly add some color to this barren land.
Here in this country, there's a popular saying among Arabs.
Don't be like that, Abu Rasheed told me with his straight face. When you thought the summer is coming, and you trade off your jacket, and without warning, the cold wind comes again. Don't be like that, he told me once more.
Everything over here is unpredictable. Get your things under your belt. Who knows what might happen tomorrow?
ZA
It is downright eerie. But now, it is pretty cold. It reminds me of spring in London. And it is pretty much like spring right now, with yellow and red flowers sprouting all over the place. Those certainly add some color to this barren land.
Here in this country, there's a popular saying among Arabs.
Like a crazy person who sells his jacket in winter.
Don't be like that, Abu Rasheed told me with his straight face. When you thought the summer is coming, and you trade off your jacket, and without warning, the cold wind comes again. Don't be like that, he told me once more.
Everything over here is unpredictable. Get your things under your belt. Who knows what might happen tomorrow?
ZA
Frozen
"What are you scared of?"
"Losing you. I am so afraid that when you get yourself a girlfriend, and you get married, and then you start to ignore my text messages, my rantings."
"Then you have to meet someone else other than me"
"Are you meeting someone?"
"Yes, right now. I am meeting you"
"Oh come on Karl. Are you dating someone or anyone or whatever?"
"No. But I hope I can date you"
ZA
Throwback
What breaks me, should break you. After all we are humans. And as tough as humans can be, we cry in the end. Otherwise, we are angels high above the sky.
Those Purple Pillows
A Riyadh Starbucks mug that sat nicely on my study table was slowly expelling steam from the tea. I always prefer English breakfast tea in the morning, and a cup of chamomile tea before I hit the bed. Tonight was a little different. I found no interest at all at Chamomile. It was an urge for a cup of plain tea, something I couldn't fathom until I had the first sip.
The sip that brought back all of the tiny details that deliriously drove you to a concoction of homesickness, sad, happy, tipsy - all in one spin. Then I started dug back all the pictures back home, the ones that made me feel closer to the people I love, and I found this picture. This picture might sum up the very best memory I had in Terengganu. I remember that super torrential floor fan with its razor sharp blades, and that pillows that always put me in the best sleep, and that window that drew my sight straight to the mango trees and of course that wooden planks that separated between inside and outside that always allowed me to listen to best bird chirps ever.
And in this room, Karl and I sat watching each others eyes. Not talking (because we were running out of topics), just listening to his breath and watching his fingers running across the marbles lines. I was simmered in uncertainty.
There were a tad too many times when I pinched my arm just to make sure that I wasn't living in a dream. Because having Karl for a little while was so surreal, because having a feeling that you were wanted was perhaps the best feeling a person could have.
Karl did that. Karl does that. Karl knows how to make me feel happy. He might not feel the same. But I care less. At least when I look at this picture, I know that Karl and I shared some amazing moment together.
Good night.
ZA
A Little Hideout
By the time I write this, it has passed fifteen to eleven. There were five books on the side table, and there were no apparent reasons on why I spent much money that, except I thought I have left books especially good novels for quite an amount of time.
I am going to start with The Goldfinch. Flipped a few pages while browsing, and I found it good. And next on the list is The Luminaries simply because it won The Man Booker Prize and the Indian guy who stood at the counter told me an Arab had come to him complaining about the book. About the conspiracy that involve a lot of well known people. He even told me that this country would probably ban this book. I listened and then I realized its whether the Indian guy or the Arab guy was mistakenly switched The Luminaries with The Illuminati. I couldn't be bothered to untangle his confusion because he looked so amazed and scared and excited at the same time.
That's when I realized, the best investment is the investment in knowledge. I wouldn't mind spending a hefty sum of my monthly paycheck for a few books. They open your mind. And it doesn't matter how many countries you had traveled to if you couldn't even finish a 200-page romance novel.
Go read books. And I miss Karl so bad. Dammit.
ZA