Made-up Amnesia

Funny how people are so busy ‒ spraying self with the most expensive perfume in possession, chatting and planning to which house to go, to what food to eat the next ‒ I am confined in my room here at the kampung doing nothing except putting Lifehouse's Storm on loop.

I should have clubbed my head hard so as still trapping self in being forlorn. I should have learned on how to overcome my socially inept skill.

Zaleha is bound to HK to further her study in Economics (this is her second PhD, can you believe that?). And I didn't make myself available to meet her even yesterday. Today when I did not receive anything (text, email, call) from her, I knew that she probably mad at me due to my absence. She'll be leaving in 4 days, I should have dug some time for her, shouldn't I?


Well, it's three in the afternoon and people are now reduced in number in the house. Dispersed to the other houses that they need to pay a visit. I should gather myself, and start looking for the nicest pair of kurung that I will wear to meet her.

I hope she's OK with my 'Shit I forgot that today is the day' excuse. Let's pray that she'll eat that up.

So, how has Raya been treating you?

ZA

Raya Dish

Glutinous rice with mango in coconut sauce is running fast. Hurry while stocks last!

Tomorrow

So the usual uncle announced that we are going to celebrate Eid Mubarak tomorrow. Grateful, the announcement is backed up with the sound of thunderclaps, more crackers and more booms. I am at kampung right now - with mom, dad, the families and close relatives.

I should feel happy, shouldn't I? But I just feel bland, feel nothing in particular.

This is another episode of me trying to get through a torrent of questions from siblings, families and the relatives. They should know the answer by now that I am not seeing anyone for the time being. This gash is too deep, it does not have scar, it bleeds.

Oh well. Who cares?

Salam Aidilfitri

ZA

Never Stop Trying

What if they try for the second time, and fail all over again?

They must set a cushion deep down there to bounce them back should this gone bonkers.

Achieving (possible) dreams is hard, because there is no reason to stop trying when there is so much time in the world.

I wish the very best for you Liam.

ZA

Bristol, 2009

Many couldn't tell.

Because you said you wouldn't go that long.

Now you never came back.

Because you said Don't Come Look For Me Because I Know I Will Be Fine.

This is not going to be fine anytime soon.

You know that.

You just know.

Your Fuckin' Face

Wanted to write you an email. Wanted to let you know that I have been hurt with what you have done. Wanted you to understand how did I feel. Wanted this to end, wanted this to go on and on like an ocean of time.

But you didn't even care, as if the question of how bad did you hurt me was never exist. As if should I leave, the world would be brighter. As if this place is going to be a better place, filled with colors and cotton candies when I was gone.

I don't want to be oversensitive, but this has stretched me to be another person that you may not know.

I am hurt.

You know that.

Stop my bleed

Mungkin Nanti

They were happy. But now they are pretending to be happy.

Dah tak ada rezeki.

InsyaAllah. Cuba lagi.

Over You

I know everything wouldn't be all right.
It's okay if I have to drown.
You don't have to catch me.

I know everything wouldn't be all right.

14th

Out of 30 days of Ramadhan, almost two third of it were filled with iftar invitations. That was the case last year. Invitations were flowing in, untapped. I was more than glad to accept them - for business, for leisure, for knowing more people out of my common circle, for finding someone that could make me happy. When people were busy prepping selves for once-a-year tarawih, I was out of hand taking calls and entertaining the likes (of me).

I have some kind of revelation this year. I don't understand where it comes from, or how it comes into me. It just me wanting to recuperate from my misdeeds and my wrongdoings. I almost forget about the men that I chase, about the person that I thought could make me happy. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. When I see a deep black gaping hole inside my heart, I resort to find a man (sometimes some men!) to plug it back. How stupid I didn't see that that wasn't the answer.

So this year is a little bit different. At least the difference is comparable to last year's. I had declined to date a total of 12 invitations. People did question why. I answered honestly that I just don't want to. I had no better explanation for that. Perhaps the closest answer that I could give was I Just Want To Be At The Place Where I Can Find My Solace.

I respect my own decision. And I hope people around will do so too.

I just had enough. I hope this will never end. And to continue even after Ramadhan bids its goodbye.

ZA

Squid and spring onion before stir fried with salted egg. That was my iftar tonight. 

Dill

Early this morning, right after Subuh, I took a stroll along the beach in front of my house. I call it the morning of self reflection.

Ramadhan has brought too many things for me. It comes in a ship so huge, loaded with surprises.

Alhamdulillah.

I just thought that the sun is scenic. It was cold. And green. And nostalgic.

I miss mom and dad back home.

That's all.


ZA

Null

And today, a different set of situations emerged.

How awful.

May god's love be with you.

Zubaidah Arshad

1309 hrs

You finally found your way back home.
But alas, you're not going back anytime soon.
You know, but you just won't.

It is as simple as wanting or refusing.

I wish you the very best luck.

Trivia

Puzzle, whether with three words or a paragraph-long sentence, is meant to be solved. Either logically, or illogically. It possesses answers that sometimes make sense, and sometimes just out of the imaginative mind. It holds mysteries that screams to be untangled, to let go the yarn of interconnected pieces that in the end would give the definitive answer to its own predicament. Sometimes the puzzle is so difficult, it takes a huge amount of time just to understand the sentence.

Puzzle is fun if you know that the answer in the end has nothing to do with your life. It is perfectly fine to kill some time on a hot and breezy Sunday afternoon. It is such a nice feeling to know that your brain is finally working to its best state.

But how does it make you feel when you know the puzzle actually does not have a definitive answer. Answers. We are looking at a swarm of uncertain hypothesis, that perhaps fits the best. Like when you are given a set of situations, a set of different situations. Say situation A, B, C, D and E. Situation A, B and E hold some similarities. Correction, they possess identical similarities. Human tends to link one situation to another situation that has the physical link. This is how logic is explained.

But the case with these situations is, even with its remarkably similarities from one situation to another, it results in different and incoherent outputs. Situation A results in output Y, situation B results in output Y2, situation C results in output XY. All three situations have its own similarities i.e. output Y, but observe the odd parameters that are coupled with every output Y.

It is the case with him today. I don't understand. Because he gave me a puzzle yesterday that was thought can be solved, but ended up with a crazy output this morning.

When things go bad, I remember that line. About chocolates in the box. And I will just keep on smiling. Because smiling heals pain and misery.

p/s: Don't start with situation A and C. You really don't want to know.

Grim

I swear, if you ever try to read me, you would fail. Because you will see a deep black gaping hole - so dark it is like staring into the darkest black imaginable.

People don't change overnight.

That is for sure.

Morning Of Retrospection

The mood is not right. I meant him, not mine. There isn't any jolly teases or banters, but a cold gesture, as cold as mid winter morning in Sussex. He doesn't even look at me, as if I am a dead cow in a soft black leather chair waiting to be noticed.

My wild guess always goes around of him being let down by not seeing any emails coming into his inbox. Emails from me. But perhaps that is not the case. Well if it does, why should I write him something when all my emails are never being answered?

I am not a dead cow. Cow does not know how to write emails. Well, at least response. With a few words, if not a 4-line paragraph.

So he has set a tone today. Moody, gray, unhappy.

I shouldn't play along. I should just live my life as it is.

Why should I go into his sick fragile emotion?

I shouldn't. That's the reason why that I think he should just eff off and being just who he should be.

Happy Ramadhan everyone.