Butterfly

It is getting colder by day, something you have to tune to especially when being in the tropical climate was the thing you did for the past few years. I am adjusting just fine over here, with the gorgeous and kind people around, it helps once in a while to get rid off the thought of home that lingers in my mind. It is not like that I have not been away from home before, but this should strike the hardest. Mak and Abah are ageing by day, my good self as well, but the time spent with them seems to shrink. What else can I do except relentlessly pray for their health and well being, I hope they are doing fine. And apparently, Abah and Mak are not the only persons that I left behind. I left Karl as well. Pardon for no introduction, but suffice Karl makes me feels important all over again.

Thought that distance would draw us apart, but in fact it got us closer. At least I have someone to listen to my grunts and rantings, and endless prattle. Someone that would just listen, and play along, and made you feel, your thoughts being heard in the end.

Tried to talk to some best friends, but best friends refuted. Perhaps they were busy. In fact, one even said that 'I have a life here tho', so it was a clear remark that I should stop bugging someone who didn't even want to listen. Who would've wanted to sleep at 3 in the morning just to get along with my never ending chat in Whatsapp? Karl did. Thanks Karl.

So when he didn't reply to my text today, I got a little pissed off. What? Does the love bug now biting my ass?

Don't. Please don't.

ZA

Stall

Nothing has changed. I did not take out any single post. It was a break from uncertainty. It was as if a moment of recollection, a span of time when you need to just shut your self up, to think more about yourself and less about others.

It was a defining moment when you tried to look for someone who understood you the most, the one who wouldn't even give the judgmental shrug. I trusted you. Unfortunately you took it for granted.

Sometime, somewhere, somehow, you have to accept that not everyone is that open. Every person on this earth has this tiny space that makes them sane. Don't take that away, perhaps that is the last thing they are holding onto.

I want you to think about that. Just that.

Anyway, again, nothing has changed. It's only I don't live in Malaysia anymore.

Just so you know.


Love,
ZA

Null

"how do you know when you are in love?"
"you ask the wrong person. i don't know"
"how do you know that you love me? how can you tell that this isn't temporary affection or the needs to fill the voids from all the untold solitudes?"
"why are you asking me all this nonsense?"
"give me answers. i need to know whether you really love me"
"so tell me, how do you know that you are actually in love with me?"
"i know it. because everytime i think about you, moths and butterflies roam inside my belly. when you told me you're sick, i am sick with worries. when you say you can't lie still because my image stuck in your brain, i got smiles plastered on my face for the whole day. it seems everything gets unsettled. everything seems like an incomplete jigsaw puzzle- there's a hole with a missing piece and that fucking little piece is you."
"you know how does someone fall in love with someone?"
"how? tell me"
"when you hear her name, your eyes gleamer. thats how you know when someone loves someone.
°
°
°
unfortunately, i can't see it in you"

Kenyir
25 Oct 2013

Baker

Was trying hard to trace you, but to no avail. You're keeping that little secret a little too tight, aren't you?

ZA

Excuses

Sometimes when time does not permit you to do things that you want, you will dispense excuses. On excuses, you curse time for being too short. Or sometimes, you tell everybody that you have to do it all, and you have only two hands and your brain can't process as fast as it should.

Excuses. It can be represented in million ways. What were your excuses for today?

ZA

Chasing Cars

Mom called just now, asking me whether I still wanted to work in the Middle East. I said Yes. And there was a deliberate pregnant pause. I told her that we will talk about this when I'm home for Eid. She said Okay. But it was monotonous and weak and dry.

The thing is, I had spent a hefty sum of my life living outside Malaysia. She sees me often, but not for long. And now, when this chance kicks in, I couldn't say no because I want this so badly and I have waited long enough, almost gave up.

I think she doesn't want to let me go.

ZA

Otoko wa tsuraiyo

I wept recognising that no one was perfect, and that if we expected to be loved for all our imperfections, why are we so reluctant to accept and forgive the imperfections of others?

Yasmin Ahmad

Behind You

He's an illusion of murky things past. Sometimes light goes through, sometimes he is just a thick layer of uncertainty.

He flickers. Like a faulty projector bulb. He'll be gone someday.

ZA

Decision

There are things in life you wish you could have. And there are things in life you could have but you choose to ignore. Choose wisely. Good night.

ZA

Ocean Eleven

"You look down, they know you're lying and up, they know you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make him laugh. He's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left his side. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances..." -Rusty

I will still look at you, even if you don't want to look at me.

Clean

So Custard putting up a few stones. His cheeks were so swolen people could've mistaken him for keeping tennis balls in his mouth. And he just got engaged. To a stranger that I don't even know. And apparently cards are on everybody's way except me.

No one told me this. Even Nina. I stumbled upon his profile in some random incindental connections.

It was an awkward encounter. And an unsettling revelation. You know, what with the things past and the things beyond imagination. We used to be close, but ignorance and stupidity eventually separated us.

I wonder if he ever told the stranger about us. Maybe, just maybe, some things are better kept chained and locked, things past that hinder for us to better create the present. But how can you live your life with lies so thick it presses your head every night before you go to sleep? How can you see someone that you ought to love in the eyes, without feeling even a hint of guilt? What if the secrets that you try to hide get unchained and unlocked and the future you imagine would be crumble in a blink of an eye?

The least you can do, is to start a new chapter with a clean slate. In the end, you want someone who makes honesty as a policy, and trust as an assurance.

Anyhow.

I am okay. And a little relieved. Especially looking at his swollen cheeks. And the stranger. World needs a little love. Perhaps.

Good night.

ZA

You don't have to fall in love to be happy. Happiness is the state of mind.

So he left, and the house is quiet all over again

ZA

Lazy Friday

How does your lazy Friday look like? Mine comprises of waking up late, usually around 10-ish (I know, don't judge), listening to a bit of Oasis, and get my hands busy with cooking. So today I got a little lazy that I made myself a medium beef steak pan seared and grilled (you know how does more than one cooking technique makes the food more delicious), some oregano on potato wrapped with foil and grilled in the charcoal, and a little salad to make it looks healthy.

So how does your Friday look like?

The Gathering

This is how I live my life since Liam died. I stay up all night. I write, or I don't write. I walk the house. Nothing settles here. Not even the dusts.

Anne Enright

Our Little Conversation

"Sayang, if I tell you that I blasted my car's radio last night with some weird Hindustan song on my way back from KL, with all windows rolled down, are you still going to marry me?"

"Depends"

"On?"

"What song were you listening"

"I don't know. Some catchy number from Windows 8 theme song"

"Daav Laga?"

"Maybe"

"Okay. I am still on"

*grin*

May The Fourth

Winning someone's heart is not easy. It requires perseverance to multiple rejections. Your heart sometimes confides you to break the truth. Again and again, you think you have won it, but most of the times, you are dead wrong. How on earth would he know when all this while your thoughts are trapped inside your own confusion?

ZA

Bree

When was the last time that you missed someone so much, it ached your heart?

ZA

Real Beauty Sketches

This really makes me think twice about how I look. Whatever it is, everyone is beautiful because Allah makes no mistakes.

ZA

To Mr. Baker

A little love is better than no love at all.
(Thank You)

ZA

Distorted Reality

Turning around, took his jacket, and slowly he got off from his black leather seat.

"Let's go home"

His stubble was so sexy, his cheeks were thinning, the jawline couldn't get any hotter than that.

"After you"

So he walked straight to the door, waited for me at the hall while I put my boots on. When I was in the hall, he was already walking towards the exit door.

"You didn't wait for me"

"I wait for you. See, I am walking like a sloth"

"You are sloth, you know that?"

"Am I?"

"Wait!"

I took my hard hat, put on his head backward, and squeezed his cheeks. He was a charmer.

"OK. How does the meeting go?"

"So and so. Don't want to talk about it"

"OK"

The sun on the far horizon was descending, leaving the sky with the thin clouds in dusky yellowish trail. Breeze was subtle, swaying my hair that were falling beneath my helmet. He didn't say a word, I didn't say a word. But I caught his glimpse once in a while.

The parking lot was almost empty when we reached there. Except at the other end of the hood, two trucks were parked side by side. Rayyan was warded, so I stole his spot just beside Liam's. When he started his engine, I got into the passenger seat, sinking self into his beemer. We stared into each others' eyes, and at the expense of breaking the silence, he brought out his phone, showing to me cars and what not. It came as a surprise that the wallpaper wasn't Sarrah, but a concept car from Nissan. Perhaps married men all like that, pasting picture of someone they love on the phone could reveal their vulnerability.

At the very last minute before I leave, I pinched his cheeks all over again. He smiled. Cute as ever. And when I was about to get out, he spanked my butt.

I smiled at him. He smiled at me.

__________________________________________________________


We are not meant to be together.


ZA

Reblog: Before Tomorrow

For some strange reasons, I dreamed about baking a choc cake for you last night. And I placed a slice on your table, so early in the morning when everybody didn't come in as yet. And a tiny black box with a brown leather wallet just sat nicely on a crumpled silky smooth white satin.

I opened up your middle drawer, in between papers and books, and I saw my card that I gave to you was still there, hidden underneath your bills. I couldn't find anywhere more appropriate to hide it, so I put it in there.

The dream was halted while I was waiting anxiously for you to come over, I was dreaded to see you. I was dreaded to see you beaming with excitement or at least to witness a splash of happiness on your face.

But that didn't materialize. Abah woke me up for Subuh.

As I sat on the bed, with eyes still glued like I hadn't had my sleep for years, my mind wandered on the dream that was just gone stopped. I knew that I didn't think about him as much. I knew that. Perhaps I suppressed my feeling under my state of incongruity? I couldn't tell.

For some strange reasons, I think I miss you too much.

ZA
5th November 2011

The Departure

Marco left a note on the table at the kitchen isle on the morning he decided to leave. It was a simple "Thanks, Goodbye. You take care" on a piece of stick-it note that I always keep on top of the fridge.

It was Monday. A usual Monday. My Monday means get up early, take my bath and off to work. His Monday means wake up late (usually at noon when the sun is pretty unbearable), wrap a towel around his waist and go skin dipping in the open ocean. He was as tanned as any other Malay guy by the second week he was here.

His lunch equals to our last night dinner. Because I didn't usually dine out, and he didn't eat take home food, so home cooking was the last option.

"I love your asam pedas"
"Damn your gulai lemak nenas kicks butt"
"Please make more laksa tomorrow"
"Zee, I miss pasta"

His appetite never seemed to shrink since Tiff left him. All help and hopes were engulfed in a huge plate of steamed fragrance rice with a super huge mackerel, and a dollop of sambal belacan. I didn't know turning someone white to brown was that easy. What seemed left was his friendship with me, and that, sat on a thin line as well.

We talked a lot at home. His journey from one end to another. Things that he found while strolling the beach. People that he talked while looking at the darkening evening. The butterfly he gotten in his belly when he thought of Tiffany.

Perhaps leaving this place is the best he can do right now. I won't be able to drop him a call, or say hi to him via skype. He doesn't even have a facebook account. So all in all, his disapperance is pretty much like smoke in the air. It disappears along the blowing wind.

I think I miss him.

ZA

End Of This Month

The best political campaign is to make your party looks furnished and manicured with strategic viable planning, that is deliverable and realistic. The worst political campaign when one party mouthbitches about another party, and that alone signifies the type of leader that you are going to choose.

Stop mouthbitching one another. That doesn't make you look better. It just polishes the stupidity that you are trying to cover.

Good night.

ZA

Friday

I just realized that I needed not to run away to gather the missing peace. I just only had to lie still on my bed looking out the window with sea breeze softly touched the overhanging mango tree leaves, listening to the sound it made when it ran into each other, and at the other time just close my eyes and let the chirping of the birds get into my head like a lullaby.

I don't have to run away. I just only need to let go.

Anchor

You have no ideas what these people have to endure, day by day.

ZA

Dungun

My typical weekend. Lies under the tree, listening to every crashing waves, get sleepy by the breezes, and feel ever so grateful to have a chance to indulge in this beauty again and again and again.

This is Teluk Bidara, Dungun, Terengganu, Malaysia.

ZA

The Timeline

I think I have most of my adult life wraps nicely in Facebook's timeline. Almost everything. My rantings, my quirkiness, my stupid pictures, my immature happiness, my sad moments. If I take one good moment going through the timeline bit by bit, I am pretty sure that I have grown up more than I could have imagined. Once I was someone else, and now I am someone else. Facebook records it. I experience it. You might see it. I don't want to let it go.

ZA

A Guest

Marco called me a few weeks back, couldn't hold the excitement in his voice:

"Drake said you just moved to a beach-y house. I am thinking to redeem my frequent flyer points and fly to visit you there"

I couldn't say no to Marco. Who can. That puppy hazel eyes, long wavy hair, untrimmed stubble. The only that isn't quite the same is his belly and his weight.

"Mac and cheese in the morning, more mac and cheese in the afternoon, and definitely another mac and cheese in the evening. Tiff let me swell. She wouldn't if she loved me. She left. She made me eat mac and cheese day and night"

I told him that mac and cheese wouldn't make him happy. He should have run across the football field, climb the steps, down to the back alley, run through the field again and let all the sweat drench his armpits and his body.

"Bullshit. I won't model again"

Come on Marco. You are not this dipstick.

"Yeah. Now you're ditching me too"

Who says so fucktard? I told you to let go.

"Tiff is holding me. Not that I mean it literally, but she's here [Marco holds his chest], and she's holding me up"

Yeah whatever. Feed your stupidity.
----

"So you're okay now?"

The sand is pristine, the color of earth. Taken away by each crashing wave.

"I guess so. I think I miss you more than I miss Tiff. The 'more' is like that island far away, and 'the Tiff miss' is only this huge", Marco's eyes far to the Tenggol island, and he clenches a tiny rock in his hand.

How long are you planning to stay?

"I don't know. The points only got me one way. I still haven't figured out where should I get the money to return back home. Are you okay with me staying over?"

You can stay as long as you want. This house is too huge for me alone.

"I miss you, you know"

Shut up.

ZA

Perception

The roads are little rough lately. I have been waken up by potholes and bumpy ride. What may a steady cruise at 100mph on a freeway, now have become to a low gear drive. The speed reduces as the landscapes change, so to speak.

The literal roads are fine. These are mere metaphorical. And this view is not a representation or mere susbtitution to the word 'subdue'. Heart sinks sometimes, tears roll down off guard, staying strong is not strong enough.

In case you guys wonder, this is in front of my house here in Terengganu.

ZA

Jammed up

I love things unplanned, such as backpacking over Kathmandu to Pokhara to Nagakort with friends close enough you can share a toothbrush with. I haven't stepped my feet onto Nepal. It is my friend. And she'll be there in 3 days time. I asked her if she could give me a hitch-a-ride, but she nonchalantly replied that she only had a luxury worth of 30kg check-in luggage, so I was counted out.

Unplanned things and events always sealed with suprises. People you never know you're going to meet, the food you're about to eat, hell even what kind of toilet bowl you're going to sit.

Surprises sometimes come in a place you least expected. Like this abandoned structure at Kampung Meraga Beris where it used to be a place for kids and adults to hit a few chords from Oasis or Foo Fighters or Travis or perhaps Radiohead. It is now nothing but a blocks of bricks with the graffiti still intact. This place must have thousands of memories.

Where else can you find a place to unleash your inner self but with a bass guitar and drums and friends, a few feet by the beach? This building used to be perfect I guess. And I bet whoever used to jam over here, must have planted some fond memories beneath the molds, cemented under their feet.

I wrote my first song here. I sang my first song here. We screamed here. I hope it still echos somewhere. Perhaps bouncing between the walls and the rocks.

ZA

Good Morning

It is always a good feeling to be greeted with this view from your own balcony every single day.

Gorgeous good morning to all of you.

ZA

Artery Blockage Inhibitor

If you ever been to Dungun, Terengganu, you will be exhilarated by its wet market. Pasar Besar Dungun is the solace for Anna Olson wannabes and that's the place where I stock up my biweekly fridge ration. Sea produce are beyond world - super fresh, endless variety, and pretty cheap as well (if you know how to speak Ganu and how to smile and your bargaining skills is on par with the insurance agents).

Last week was a party of huge prawns. Humongous prawns were on sale and they sold it a bit on a pricey side. The funny part was if you handpicked the prawn by yourself, they charged it at RM60 a kilo. If they took the liberty to shove it themselves, then the price would be RM50 a kilo. Funny.

Anyway, I got myself some bones during the shopping spree. And I just bought a french oven yesterday, so why not venture into some comfort food? So this is the artery blockage inhibitor - sup tulang!

Calling over some friends to join. If you happen to be around, I hope the smell doesn't get to your nose!

Happy Weekend Everybody.

ZA

What Was It Wednesday?

I want my kitchen as gorgeous as Anna Olson's and turn my friends into fat happy people!

ZA

Weekend Home Cook Project

Anna Olson is part to blame for this project. This was my first successful attempt at cooking Sup Tulang. The last time I tried to cook it, it went as hard as rubber. This one is a different story altogether. It went well, the meat was so tender it fell off the bone.

I realized if I had keep it under heat and let it reduced, I might turn it into stew. So I did let it reduce a little bit more on the stove. Now it is thick, and ready to be served with bread.

Facebook comments were overwhelming when I posted this, friends were telling me the guy who dated me would be lucky. The thing is, I have gone into the phase where constant numbness has left your heart lost its sense. Come what may, good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or penniless, I just lost interest to be in love again.

Except that my love for cooking has never faded and will not fade, at least until the end of my breath.

ZA