Not Now

When I heard that Sarrah has something growing in her womb from a dear colleague, the world all of a sudden the color of gray. Gloomy that is.

It took me a while to regain my sanity back. I am recovering.

I am not going to write anytime soon. Perhaps not anytime sooner. This is just another bad episode to go through all over again.


ZA

Seattle

I mourn and lament, and I see drips from your eyes fall to the ground, swept away with the rush of endless rain. I understand. And I know its hard. Stay strong. Because, deep inside you, there's a little me to be there when you need a shoulder to cry on.

ZA

Some Kind Of Wonderful

Pardon my fascination on pasting over YouTube videos here in the blog, but this is something that amuses me for the time being.

Pak Mat, don't tell me that you don't listen to them. Grand Funk Railroad is such a band of heroes!

The Gallagher

Liam Gallagher is the best interpretation to my day-to-day Liam. He had himself a brand new sunglasses the other day. He had everything new, much to my expectation, the other day.

He did not have someone new, someone that was so accustomed, he saw everyday.

Some might say. Some might say.

Better Together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone,
When the morning light sings
And brings new things,
But tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too,
Too many things I have to do,
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'll be under the impression,
I was somewhere in-between
With only two,
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do,
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Jack Johnson

No, You Are Not Wanted

I shouldn't tell you this. I shouldn't make you feel that you are wanted. I shouldn't go paste around to tell the whole world that you mean a universe to me.

But the thing is, I am falling in love with you.

That, I can't tell lies.

That, I am sure, you know, from the bottom of your heart.


ZA

Awakening

So I fled to this place, trying to reason things that have been going in my life.

I wonder if I flee again, will Liam get mad?

I care none. This is my life, and I have my full control.

ZA

To Nina

To the hell with self inflicted misery.

Holding to the long gone memories are torturing, might as well keep the grudges, and keep on living with your own personal vendetta.

It is easier like that. Believe me. I've done that myself.

Custard is nothing than a piece of dung.

I host free tutorial if you want to learn how.

Call me. You know how to get


ZA

This Afternoon

Please don't let me go. Please don't let me go.

No I don't want you to let me go.


Olly Murs

You Left, Unnoticed

Ten years from now, on this very evening, hands sprawl on the sand, overlooking the golden descending sun, I might still wonder the reasons why didn't I meet you earlier, when the chances were so astronomically enormous, when you were so fragile and when I was so in need of hands to cling onto.

Years to savor are shrinking, and yet there are still too many grounds that I need to give footprints. For all I know, I have been longing to travel with you, someone that is dear to my heart, perhaps you, the only person that I want right now.

When I told you that I love you yesterday, and this very evening, the hesitation was humongous. I couldn't tell whether what I did was right, but I know, at certain points in my life, I have to let you know how do I feel towards you. I refuse to be trapped in the emotions that I created myself, and I refuse to recreate your images that in the end were the pure imagination that were created in my subconscious mind.

Tell me, how should I know how do you feel about me. I mean, I have given you what I should give you, I have given you the callsigns that I think were so clear, you should grasp in seconds. Am I loony going for something that is not going to materialize? Am I too absorbed in this stupid hook-and-reel that I am actually stuck in limbo?

I know, over time, this will end. Horifically.

I know, when everything has faded, when the feeling is as weak as a broken bulb, another saga of Custard's trilogy will happen again. Except for this time, the actor is you. And me. And certain other people that I don't care.

This story is going to end soon. Liam is another figment of imagination that will disperse like a bubble in the thin air. Like water that is going to dry under the hot sun.

All that I know, that I have spent much of my time thinking about you. And one thing that I don't really know, whether you are thinking about me.

You are an imagery. So vivid.

So for that, I think I should leave the space that fills with your images alone. Alone, unattended.

It will be dark, but at least, I know that I won't put too much hope anymore.


ZA

Aporia

Imagine going back home from a long tiring day, just to be greeted by an empty sofa, paintings of the cats and the deads on the wall, dimmed chandelier hung on the ceiling, vases filled with multiple colors of drying flowers, huge windows with rattan blind rattling on the window's frame occasionally when being hit by the wind from the full speed fan above.

That's all.

There is an enormous space, but filled with emptiness. The only scent is from the lavender aromatherapy candle, and from the thin smell of the take-home Chinese food. The senses are longing for something. The sight and sound filled by flickers and the scream from the TV and the only living thing in the house, is the wife, legs stretch on the sofa, getting so deep in drama, she's almost inanimate.

All of a sudden, I hear a lot about couples who are trying to conceive a baby. Like this morning when I heard over Prem and Nadia on the radio, there was a couple in China who hold PhD and been trying for a baby for almost three years, but to no avail. They went to see a doctor and was shocked to find out that the couple thought they could get a baby by sleeping side by side. I know Liam is not that stupid, I know Liam's knowledge on reproductive system is far more advanced and they have been trying for quite some time now.

There were times when Nina and I cheekily teased him over Sarrah's slothfulness of not being able to cook him dinner, or when Sarrah tried to cook and Liam brought it to the office and he couldn't finish it off because perhaps it was so suck, it makes me wonder of a lot of things. When I drove home, I wonder what was she doing at home. Facebooking with friends? Reading books? Because all I know is that Liam is spending his time outside, going out with friends for futsal, badminton and sometimes go for a jog with me.

What is there to cherish in a home where the scream and the pungent smell of baby's piss is ripped away from a family? What holds them together?

I can't tell. Because right now, I think what fills him in is the fact that we are actually together, in silent.

ZA

Keep On Trying

Josh shared a link yesterday on Facebook. Coca Cola 2011's ad was just mesmerizing and inspiring. I remember one line from the ad and it was Liam that came into my mind when I saw that.

A lot of couples are trying. Like one of my friends in one of the gas processing plants here at Kertih, they found mercury in his blood. And he is still trying. Keep on trying.

If Liam is given a baby, it's godsend.

The question that needs to be answered, is when.

ZA

Cracked Lips

The day is pretty hot and dry. It's just I don't really know where to find a shade.

Everyone has taken a spot.

Everyone has taken two steps ahead and it's just me being left behind.

ZA

Ironic

The sea, amidst its crystal clear blue water, bears an unfriendly welcome gesture in its saltiness, and its waves.

How ironic that I love the sea, but I hate the water that makes the definition of a sea.

How ironic. But it is beautiful. With its beautiful people. And its beautiful life it gives.

I'll come back soon.

Somewhere Out There

Traveling alone (for holiday, not business!) is like dissolving self in intoxicating ice, it gets you high at one time, and the next time you open up your eyes, you are lying inside a ditch with bruises all over your head. We never know what we could get, we never know the chances that we are going to end up in the country so bizarre, so unfamiliar, and yet you feel like there is one little piece that connects you to this place.

I am somewhere outside Malaysia right now for a little vacation that I did not plan. You know how I cried the other day in the office, standing in between two roads that were so different, it was like seeing black and white. Booked a ticket, no hotel reservation, no nothing. Brought along with myself a backpack, and a few hundreds of ringgit in the purse.

Little did I know that this is going to make me happy, in fact I do not feel happy, I do not feel content, I just feel bland. A lot of (good looking) people don't help apparently. Was thinking to get self an escort, or a toyboy, or a man to accompany me for the next 5 days. I didn't tell my boss, and no one actually knows where I am right now. Just emails, and facebook messages. From bosses. From vendors, from colleagues.

I am off the course. I just need a little time for detachment. Instead, I sculptured your name beside the pool, on pebbles.

I just can't forget you. The way that you can't forget me.

Love you, Liam