Amazing

I sometimes wonder if there is anyone would grab my hand and sing me Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are, like I am the most special living being on Earth. Because I never felt so. I want to try once. I want you. To come to me. And tell me. That I am special. That I am. Someone to you. Because you are not someone. You supersede anything ordinary. I want you. I really need you. Right now. Right away.

"Cause you are amazing, just the way you are"

Good night

You are so sweet. Like an ice cream. With chocolate rice. And some crushed almonds.

Thank you.

Rafiee and Izni

If I were you, I could live forever over there, and never wanting to come back home.
Having life over here is depressing. Not that I am suggesting I hate this place. I need a new place to live.

This place bears too much memories. How could you ever move on when you are living in the unwashed memories? The smell, the scenery, the usual places, the never ending play and rewind buttons like hologram images, so vivid in front of your eyes.

How could you?

Day Nine

Tired, mostly exhausted. I walked on my wobbled knees, heart all shattered.

Masihkah kau ingat?


ZA

Day Seven

Empty. I feel just empty. I spare no more thoughts on you. It's amazing.

Woke up this morning feeling a little lightheaded and was in a pure realization that I didn't do myself much treat these few months.

Went out shopping.

I feel good, if not better.

I think I just need some more time to forget you completely. Completely.

Day Five

I was hoping some spark of hopes would come along this crooked way I had chose. You know, like hoping there were text messages from you once I got back home from work. Or maybe, some notifications of missed calls from you, because I really needed some kind of assurance that you still think of me.

Not that I know whether you are thinking about me or not, but I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that there is still a little me inside you that gives you a tinge sensation whenever I cross your mind.

But then I heard the song from Lady Antebellum. Been listening to that number for the past couple of weeks and I couldn't grasp a word. Well maybe I wasn't attentive enough to the point that I could grasp the content of the song. I was not. Downloaded the song yesterday, despite my objection to the mainstream musics.

Read the lyrics, in the dark, on my phone, and felt nothing. Cried a bit. But not hard enough to leave me in exhaustion. How odd. I wasn't this strong.

I am heartbroken. Heartbroken people cry so often.

I want to cry more. Cry makes me feel good. I can't. I just can't. I don't let go everything. I am stuck in the past.

Well maybe, I am so immature in this. I need to grow and be independent. But you have stole my 50% and I can't be 100% anymore.

So Long

The news was anticipated. I mean miracle would change things. If I have the chance to taste miracle once, why should I hesitate?

But this is never about fate, miracle or the wonders of technology. People come and people go.

I met him when I was in my 20. Barely known the existence of my own self, let alone the world I was about to be in. We talked, and he was attentive like any grandfather would be. I mean I couldn’t call him an Uncle as the age separated us is far apart. He was one of the sweetest human beings I have ever acquainted with.

Then we talked through emails, discussing my future and what should I do. And all of a sudden the emails stopped. I didn’t hear from him nor he replied my emails.

Last month, Shayna sent me an email. He was in a really bad shape. I knew this. I didn’t mean that I knew he was battling between life and death. But I sensed something was really wrong. Something was not in control.

And we talked through emails. With Shayna I mean.

And this very afternoon, she broke the news. He died, without realizing he would gone for good.

We anticipated this, and we feel good that now he didn’t even have to feel the pain anymore. Not that we know what he’s going through right now, but we believe he’ll be happier there.

As the grandson said beside his bed,

“He is now a star in the sky”

Yes, you will be one of the stars in my sky too.

So long, Graham Chadwick. You’ll be twinkling and twinkling amongst the Mars and Jupiter.

Love,
ZA

Day Two

It's the moment when everything stops to spin, and the gravity never goes downward anymore. You see the skies the color of turquoise, and the trees without leaves. It is the moment when you know that this is the end.

Goodbye.

Ditto

Forgetting you is like erasing a huge chunk of memories of my childhood. I can't get rid of them completely.

The minor details always bring me back to tears.

I am wishing this never happened.

Because I am too tired to think of you. And you have occupied too much space in my brain.

H

We used to celebrate your birthday together. In your room, with light only shone from the candles on the cake. Now you don't have me no more.

That choc cake looks delicious. I am happy for you.