Options
You can't change who you are, for what you want to be.
ZA
ZA
Tell Me
It always comes to the question why. But I can't always answer them, when. It just how, and whom.
ZA
ZA
It's cold
..but I have him to keep me warm (with laughter). Sleeping in the office tonight.
Good night
ZA
Good night
ZA
Just Saying?
Liam: I just called to say I Love You
Yours Truly: I just called to say how much I care
Liam: I just called to say I Love You, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Yours Truly: I just called to say how much I care
Liam: I just called to say I Love You, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Nina's Concern
A mini window popped up just on the down right corner of the screen. Nina shot a quick glance, brows all curled up, forehead deep with furrows, hissing once in a while, trying to signal me to check my interoffice messenger dialog box.
"Oh now you cook his food, make his drinks, do your job as his engineer, all of this from 9 to 5 and when he let you down, he won't look at you, and you are okay with your rights being denied?"
I gazed deep down into the screen, as if trying to look for an error in a mathematical formula. It all started this morning when Liam really wanted to have a turkey sandwich, he said it since the day before. And when he casually asked me to get him a cup of hot choc, I knew that there was something wrong going on. In him, and perhaps in me. Nina being told about this when I met her at her table, but she couldn't afford to comment further, what with the crowd in the office at that time. Her words struck me as unprecedented, never thought that she could muster all her courage to tell me that, right on my face.
"You probably understand me, because you yourself have a husband at home. It's always nice to see the person that you love looks so happy"
"Do you realize that he is taken, with a bond so legal, it only can be broken by a divorce pronouncement?"
― something wrong with blogger. Wrote a super lengthy entry, and now it has gone. Couldn't be bothered to write again.
ZA
Somewhere at Teluk Kalong, Kemaman
"Lies hurt. You know that, don't you?"
"I know. But I chose to lie to you. Because I couldn't keep on humming sweet words to make you feel that you are the most important person in my life. Because sincerely, you are not. You never will"
"What has happened to the promises that you have made. To me, to our past memories, to the box we buried underneath the tree over that hill? What has happened to your oath to be loyal, to be the one who would push my back when I lost my strength to move?"
"You better find a new one. This has taken too much on me. This has made me a different person. When I met you five years ago, I believe that you knew me as a different person. I notice that, because you will notice the changes that are happening inside you. I try to distant myself, I try to put some gap between us, I want you to breathe, and I need some air to breathe. It is harder than you thought but believe me I think this is the best decision that I have ever made in my entire adult life."
"Seriously you are mad. I don't know who the fuck that has ruined your brain. I used to know someone that was crazy over my headache. I used to know you who were restless when I didn't pick up your call. And now, you have changed in a split second. What the hell is that? You tell me. What the hell is that?"
"I can't tell you. Because this is me talking. I have been hiding the true me just to make you feel happy. And God knows how do I suffer when I have to deal with your stupid tantrums, when you were going loony when you knew that I went out with a friend of mine. Oh come on honey, I have given you too much. And I still can't get over when I remember the moment you intruded my precious privacy. This shouldn't be the way we should live honey. I guarantee you that you have my respect for your privacy, and please I expect the same thing in return"
"Am I too much a person to handle?"
"Five years ago, you were this sweet midgety petite person. With huge heart. But over time, you changed. You turned to someone that's beyond comprehension. I wish you were the guy that stole my heart like it used to be. The one who was so nice, so true in being yourself. I want you your old self back"
"I don't really know how am I going to be a better person for you. I have been trying my best, giving my best shot to satisfy your needs, to be there when you need me the most, now you tell me that I am no one, that I am not going to be any special to you, that I am just another passerby in your life?"
"I have explained enough. It is up to you to try or not to try understand"
"You're cruel"
"I have to. For the benefit of both of us"
"Fuck you"
"I know. But I chose to lie to you. Because I couldn't keep on humming sweet words to make you feel that you are the most important person in my life. Because sincerely, you are not. You never will"
"What has happened to the promises that you have made. To me, to our past memories, to the box we buried underneath the tree over that hill? What has happened to your oath to be loyal, to be the one who would push my back when I lost my strength to move?"
"You better find a new one. This has taken too much on me. This has made me a different person. When I met you five years ago, I believe that you knew me as a different person. I notice that, because you will notice the changes that are happening inside you. I try to distant myself, I try to put some gap between us, I want you to breathe, and I need some air to breathe. It is harder than you thought but believe me I think this is the best decision that I have ever made in my entire adult life."
"Seriously you are mad. I don't know who the fuck that has ruined your brain. I used to know someone that was crazy over my headache. I used to know you who were restless when I didn't pick up your call. And now, you have changed in a split second. What the hell is that? You tell me. What the hell is that?"
"I can't tell you. Because this is me talking. I have been hiding the true me just to make you feel happy. And God knows how do I suffer when I have to deal with your stupid tantrums, when you were going loony when you knew that I went out with a friend of mine. Oh come on honey, I have given you too much. And I still can't get over when I remember the moment you intruded my precious privacy. This shouldn't be the way we should live honey. I guarantee you that you have my respect for your privacy, and please I expect the same thing in return"
"Am I too much a person to handle?"
"Five years ago, you were this sweet midgety petite person. With huge heart. But over time, you changed. You turned to someone that's beyond comprehension. I wish you were the guy that stole my heart like it used to be. The one who was so nice, so true in being yourself. I want you your old self back"
"I don't really know how am I going to be a better person for you. I have been trying my best, giving my best shot to satisfy your needs, to be there when you need me the most, now you tell me that I am no one, that I am not going to be any special to you, that I am just another passerby in your life?"
"I have explained enough. It is up to you to try or not to try understand"
"You're cruel"
"I have to. For the benefit of both of us"
"Fuck you"
Lost In The Light
"It is because of the strong wind that brushes my face and ruffles my hair"
"Why would you go wandering pointlessly looking for something that you don't even sure?"
"It's the wind, fuckhead. The wind makes me happy. As if it lifts all my worries out of my brain. Do you know how happy I am to have a brief moment of burden-less shoulder? Do you?"
"Perhaps I understand. I don't want you get high on something so temporary, something that won't last. Once I went through this horrid episode when Brian dumped me for someone better, then I reconciled with life that this shouldn't be the end, that if I tried to be the one that I wanted to be, then I would excel nonetheless. Such constraints are unavoidable but at times you have to learn to pass your feet off the hurdles. The time will come albeit your incongruity towards life"
"It has been 20 weeks since Greg's departure to afterlife. And it has been 20 grueling weeks of finding the fucking blessings that are disguising in the fucking incomprehensible forlorn. You tell me how should you paddle your life alone without someone that has been given you directions to places, to territories that you never imagined you would be? Tell me of losing someone that has been co piloting everything from finding the right clothes, to wipe you your tears on the day your boss decided to fuck up with you, to hug you on the night of lightning and storms? You tell me. I have been trying to reason my life with what future might hold for me, but who am I to foresee my own destiny? This is crazy Craig. Crazy"
"Here. Take my hands. To your and my losses"
"I miss him Craig"
"I know. I miss Brian too. It just that I believe he is better out there, with someone better. That should be suffice to me"
"Give me your courage. I really need them pronto"
"Everything will change"
ZA
"Why would you go wandering pointlessly looking for something that you don't even sure?"
"It's the wind, fuckhead. The wind makes me happy. As if it lifts all my worries out of my brain. Do you know how happy I am to have a brief moment of burden-less shoulder? Do you?"
"Perhaps I understand. I don't want you get high on something so temporary, something that won't last. Once I went through this horrid episode when Brian dumped me for someone better, then I reconciled with life that this shouldn't be the end, that if I tried to be the one that I wanted to be, then I would excel nonetheless. Such constraints are unavoidable but at times you have to learn to pass your feet off the hurdles. The time will come albeit your incongruity towards life"
"It has been 20 weeks since Greg's departure to afterlife. And it has been 20 grueling weeks of finding the fucking blessings that are disguising in the fucking incomprehensible forlorn. You tell me how should you paddle your life alone without someone that has been given you directions to places, to territories that you never imagined you would be? Tell me of losing someone that has been co piloting everything from finding the right clothes, to wipe you your tears on the day your boss decided to fuck up with you, to hug you on the night of lightning and storms? You tell me. I have been trying to reason my life with what future might hold for me, but who am I to foresee my own destiny? This is crazy Craig. Crazy"
"Here. Take my hands. To your and my losses"
"I miss him Craig"
"I know. I miss Brian too. It just that I believe he is better out there, with someone better. That should be suffice to me"
"Give me your courage. I really need them pronto"
"Everything will change"
ZA
Holes Inside
But if we hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light
Cos sometimes fate and your dreams will collide
So don't walk away from me.
Please don't walk away from me...
ZA
Our Conversation
"Dump your worries. What else do you want than having me inside your arms?"
"Your loyalty. I have given my trust, and please don't let me take it back. You have gone. Along with our fond memories"
"You don't understand. Perhaps you're jealousy is taking over your mind"
"My sanity is intact. I know what is going through your mind"
"What you want me to do? Eloping and leave her alone?"
"There, you still don't understand. I think you don't want to understand. Why can't you at least for once try to delve deep down my problem and take a look yourself what I am going through each day? I am building my life. I am trying to be the one that is the best for you and also the best for her"
"I never loved someone like I love you"
"I know. I can see that"
"Then what else can we do to live together?"
"We can't. But we can choose to be together discreetly forever"
"But I want more"
"You can't always get what you want. I love you Sayang"
"Your loyalty. I have given my trust, and please don't let me take it back. You have gone. Along with our fond memories"
"You don't understand. Perhaps you're jealousy is taking over your mind"
"My sanity is intact. I know what is going through your mind"
"What you want me to do? Eloping and leave her alone?"
"There, you still don't understand. I think you don't want to understand. Why can't you at least for once try to delve deep down my problem and take a look yourself what I am going through each day? I am building my life. I am trying to be the one that is the best for you and also the best for her"
"I never loved someone like I love you"
"I know. I can see that"
"Then what else can we do to live together?"
"We can't. But we can choose to be together discreetly forever"
"But I want more"
"You can't always get what you want. I love you Sayang"
Post Liam
I want to stop the moment you touched my lips with yours, the moment of intimacy we've created. The magic you've made. The soothing warm breath that touched the back of my neck, the jovial arms that enclosed my torso and that magnificent chain of words you've lullabied
ZA
ZA
Saturday Noon
Getting out of bed really really needs a lot of courage. Because on my bed, I just can sleep off my worries, and out of it would mean a spin off between cries and woes and a pool of fuckeries.
Human Resources Development At Its Worst
Argument is healthy. But not up to the point it makes you feel confuse and lost
ZA.
ZA.
Post Hiatus
When you are 'this' close to forget, he comes by and starts sending you emails that make you forget that you are in the process to forget.
Being fragile isn't fun. It's just an excuse for you to feel that you are being loved again.
Liam, help me to understand you.
ZA
Being fragile isn't fun. It's just an excuse for you to feel that you are being loved again.
Ala.. Jangan la merajuk. Nanti kita lunch sama sama ok?
Liam, help me to understand you.
ZA
A Thought
ZAliving alone could be bland and tasteless. like a cup of insipid coffee. likewise, when you have found the perfect one, the caffeine will drive you to get a cup after another. how else can you describe this complex human interaction?