Heartbreak Thoughts

Investing in a relationship between two hearts may make you think it is an easy task. How hard can it be when two people are joining together mutually, and their minds intact with the affectionate love emotion they created themselves? It is awful, and it is actually, leads you to sleepless nights.

Missing the one you love is one thing, and the ability of putting yourself in control and not to annoy the other half is another different job altogether. I mean, how many times have you getting into serious relationships and deprive your emotion so badly you even choke when you mention his name? I am right now. What kind of fuckery am I putting myself now, I am not being able to tell you. Because it is hard, and it is tiring. And most of the times, it traps you red handed with a tad too many micro emotions, you can`t think logically anymore.

Every decision is biased on your fucked up mind, and most of the times, it is totally absurd. It scares you so much with a lot of `what if` questions.

What if I text him too much and he gets annoyed?

What if I miss him and I wanted to call him in the middle of the night and he gets annoyed?

What if I text him too much, and he keeps on replying me because not to hurt my feelings and all of a sudden he breaks up because he has been so tired of taking care of my feelings and I don`t even care his?

What if my plans on going to vacations with him and many other nights out turn out to be `my plans` not OUR plans?

What if he thinks I am going overboard by stealing his time with his friends when they have planned that they wanted to go for a fishing trip together?

What if he does his something that may hurt me and he doesn`t tell me and I am so pissed off that I spew him with a lot of swear words and he gets hurt and he leaves me?

I am so tired. I want to be someone that he likes. But I can`t help to think that maybe I am the only one who thinks entirely of him, while he enjoys his time and day without having even a slight thought of what I am doing over here.


Maybe, just maybe, I am thinking too much.

I think so. Because I hope, he loves me too.

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When you love someone more than he loves you, it can make you a little crazy - Teddy Altman

Kuala Berang

Kenyir is the place where you can get these things:

1) Pooping in the middle of the jungle without feeling ashamed.
2) Pooping in the middle of the jungle while having a breathtaking scenery upfront.
3) Scream and have people to give hands to help you out.
4) Sun tanning while listening to the birds chirping, and to the shrieks of happy notes of the people with fishes on their rods.

I love Kenyir. First time experience is the initiator of all.

Absence Of Fear

"Here, this is a daffodil for you. I think your jet black hair needs a little companion to complement your look"

"Am I not pretty enough to your liking?"

"You are as beautiful as sun that shines on Sahara"

"Words play"

"Oohh OK. I am sorry. But I think you look lovely with this daffodil. Please"

"I won't. If you can't accept me, how bare do I look, then there's nothing more to look for"

"Get me a better reason if you're breaking up. Not over a stupid daffodil"

"So yeah. Good bye"

Shin Osaka

I don't know if this might hurt you. I don't really give a bleeding damn.

Wake Up, Honey. I'm Hitting On You!

When you think you have someone attached to you, and he makes you a little bit special by sending and replying every single text you send, think back, it may not last.

It is like the fresh fruits we after on top of a cake. We chase for it, and tend to chew it slowly because it feels so good, we afraid it finishes too soon. And when all the toppings are finished, you dread for more, and you scream because you know you can't have it back, and remorse creeps into your heart with a little hush of "if I save a tiny bit, so that I can have it more after this, I think it would have been better", but those are all words of regrets, and now what you have on a plate is a whole cylindrical cake, waiting to be sliced up, and tasted, and you still know it tastes good without the toppings, but it will taste a little bit different. Dry at times, so to speak.

Over time, we may learn that this is what 'being nice' is all about. The interaction between two people of maybe one side hoping too much, and another side just 'being nice'. And alas, the other side might not know that he is just too nice to break your heart, so he plays along, and afraid that if he says something that he thinks might hurt you, he may lose you. Lose you as a friend. And as someone he thinks of so highly.

Thinking back, it may come as a problem for both sides. One thinks this way, and another one thinks another way. The interaction is happening but literally not mutual. It is like the physical link from story to another is missing, and one may want to keep it at her pace, and another one tryingly to divert the conversation to a less 'intimate' one. In anyway, both are happy and suffer at the same time. But who cares when what they wanted is actually a string of casual chat to kill up some free time?

It has been a little awkward these few days. And I am leaning to him, to make sure that he knows what I really want. I can't blame him if he can't catch the drift, because maybe he isn't really thinking about it, or maybe he just doesn't understand at all.

I know I am a little pushy sometimes, but I can't blame myself either. I have been alone for such a long time. I need someone to take care of me. I am just tired looking out for myself.

Spiral

"If you love someone more than he loves you, that can make you a little crazy"
- Teddy Altman

I hate to admit this, but this is entirely true. There are a few things men do best. Smile, dispatching compliments and the most brutal of all is to give you hope, and walk away.

You'll Think Of Me

Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been trying my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need them
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me

And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

Keith Urban
You'll Think Of Me

H

It was really awkward. Less fun. Disappointing at times.

I really need to date a real man. Not some fancy schmancy guy I met during safety briefing at my workplace.

I write more tomorrow. I think I may have killed my reputation.