Supernatural

There wasn't anyone behind when I left the office just now. It was pretty dark, and the walk to the main gate was quite far. The street lights decided to go dead tonight, and no one on the night shift was in the smoking shed. I was literally walking alone.

When I walked back from lunch with a dear colleague a few weeks ago, stories about the haunting came out of nowhere. Like when he worked in the previous company which performed servicing to the boilers and screw compressors, one of his colleagues found a kid in a vessel. What on earth did a kid do in a vessel, and where the hell did he come from. So his friends fled away.

So does another story in one cracker plant where there was always a white figure at the top floor near the distillation  tower. Or my friend at one compounding plant who saw a little kid playing with a plastic curtain near the extruder area.

I couldn't help but to think all of this when I walked just now. Perhaps something or someone following at my back, so I frequently scan if there's any anomalies to the shadows on the pavement. Sometimes when I am too tied up with my fright, I run. Trying to run from my own shadow.

It is stupid, but I feel safe doing that. At least that is what my mind tells me.

On the contrary, I feel scared when I try to run away from you. If you were a ghost, perhaps I can just chase you away by reciting Quran. But you are not a ghost, and I don't know how to chase you away.

I am sorry. Am I making sense?

ZA

Liam's Biggest Concern

The construction of Lynas is on halt. What worries me the most is the construction of another plant, the sulfuric acid plant, that will supply H2SO4 to Lynas for leeching purposes.

Can I just move to Italy and have a baby there?

Apprehension

I can't sleep. It is one right now. When I close my eyes, I see your images, so vivid. Like in HD. I don't know whether this is appropriate. Can you just go away? I really really need my sleep. Long flight tomorrow. Please go away.

Good night.
ZA

Little Stars Over The Moon

I long to touch your fingers, and smell the perfume on your arm, and how your hug is keeping me warm. Hush hush, don't say anything, let's sail away in our dreams tonight. Because I don't want to remember how restless I am in this emotional fight.

Liam, good night. Meet you in my dream.

ZA

I Know Everything Would Be Alright

"I have recovered"

Nina said nonchalantly this afternoon when we had a coffee break in the pantry. Nina had recovered, that is what she claimed. I don't believe her most of the times when she said she had dumped him somewhere out of her box of memory. The remnants hurt. Jared has left nothing anymore for her to treasure. When Jared walked in into the meeting room for a mini discussion with dear colleagues, Nina was standing with me. At the pantry. I can tell when people are tailing someone, the eyes show. Nina exactly did that. Tailing Jared with her eyes, hoping for something ridiculous to resurface.

She has been hoping that Jared would forget, and make everything like it used to be. Way before they ventured into this useless emotion. She doesn't know what he thinks. Perhaps he harbors quandaries to the course of this forbidden mutual affection. Jared was right when he decided that he would forgo being in the infidelity, and Nina was never wrong to not further go down the betrayal alley.

But couldn't Jared just play pretend that nothing was actually happened between him and Nina? I truly understand the emotional torture that she's going through right now. All she ever asked that he treats her just like he treats anybody else. She couldn't tell lie. She is still hoping for something but she hides it underneath her smile. When they passed shoulder to shoulder, Nina was trying hard to reconcile by passing him a friendly gesture - as a colleague - but what she got in return was an annoyed look from Jared.

"I had let go everything. Let bygone be bygone. I understand that he has Ashley at home, and so do I. I have my own Zachary, and of course my kids. But why can't he just be my friend? Be my colleague? At least please be professional. I don't need that obtuse look every time he passes by me. I am deeply hurt and insulted"

She tried to smile. Tried to remain her composure. This is the woman that listens to my crappy Liam and Sarrah thing, so I should be the one who will listen to his Jared crappy thing.

"You read my blog right? I wrote there somewhere, the only way to get out, is to forget. Case in point, Custard and I. I don't talk to him anymore, nor look at him. We do work together, so I couldn't avoid him. But he has been giving thousands of fuckeries for the past months, why should I reconcile? So do you. If he can do what he is doing right now, so do you. You don't have to be angelic all the times. Why on earth you have to be angelic when you are being kicked on your head, every single day? Pretending to be angelic doesn't save you from your emotional wreck. Come on Nina. Wake up. You have such a loving husband at home. You were the one who told me that you can't find anybody else that is as good as him. He is beyond fantastic. So stick with him. Dump all these cry shits and the efforts to resurrect what you have gone through with Jared.

Remember Nina, the last thing you want to do, is to hurt Zachary"

She gasped for air. Looking around, to hide her face. Her eyes started to water.

"I love my husband. He is the best. I love the kids. They are the best thing that happened in my life. Jared might make me happy for a while, but I know, that was so artificial and I was a fool. He was a fool. Zachary and my kids are where my loves at. I love my husband"

"Great. Chant the mantra when Jared does shit all over again to you"

"I love my husband. I love my husband. I love my husband"

And Liam passed by, shot a quick glance to me, and smiled.

UPenn

I regret of being stupid. I wish I am a little wiser. So that I won't get rolled down. Perhaps being stupid is written somewhere in my genotype?

ZA

Wednesday Afternoon

The stall was unusually jam packed with people today. Customers in blue, yellow, dark green coveralls were frolicking the table, just like the flies that swarming over leftover fishes on the unattended plates. I was alone, clad in red coverall, having lunch while observing the surroundings.The heat from the tarmac a few feet away was uninviting. The breeze from the sea, however, made it soothing albeit the noise from the chatters.


While sipping the soup, my mind was flown back to the office. Works on the table have been mercilessly piling, with numbers, projects, contracts to review. And just two days ago, a multimillion project now sits comfortably on my shoulder, waiting to be engineered and executed by next year. I barely have any space to breathe. Not that I'm complaining, but my time for myself has been cut to its minimum hours, sometimes just eight hours left for me to salvage whatever excitement that I supposed to have in a day. Eight hours usually goes to my sleep. I am worn out.

Oh well. I should stop doing this.

I have a bowl of soup to finish off.

ZA

Spin

Nina's email that I received this late afternoon was a pretty non shocker. When I posted on Facebook of what Nina had told (and apparently saw), Ed immediately made an assumption that he adopted a baby. Stitching all the events, and put them in sync, Ed's wild assumption was actually has its basis.

Liam and Sarrah have been trying for quite some time. Since they were married five (six?) years ago, there was not a single hint that Sarrah was carrying a life in her womb. They were just getting help these few months back, and I knew it because he told me, secretly. Of all the people that he trusts. I am just a stranger, not even know him well. Oh well, of all the people that he trusts, and knows.

There were times when Liam called to the office that he couldn't come because he felt unwell, and the day after when he came in, he gave us some ridiculous excuses such as 'the doctor was more than delightful to give me a day off but I refused, so I guess I just take an emergency leave instead'. When he said that, I knew that he was busy at home, doing things to make babies. To try. To make babies. And I assure you, I did feel nothing. He can do it anywhere that he wants. In the bathroom, on the tabletop, at the kitchen counters, in the garage, underneath the sofa. I don't care, because there isn't me, there isn't us.

So today when Nina broke the news, I was literally numb. I wanted to cry, but I don't have any solid reason why should I do so. I resumed my work, on public holiday, up until 9pm. I felt nothing.

Ed says that this isn't going anywhere, that even if this unknown relationship materialize, it will become another episode of me and Custard. The ending is technically the same. I am going to get stuck in a loop with no way out. The only way out, is to forget.

When I was writing this, I realized that even if I am such an important person to him, I would be nothing. And I realized that I would never be such an important person to him, because this is not about me alone.

This is about me, him, his wife, and his future babies.

That if he does not resort for adoptions.


ZA

Turning Circles

When I created this blog shy to 6 years ago, my intention was to only write. My very first entry was about me moving to a new pad, and moving along the first few years, I wrote what I had in mind. Being alone for most of my entire adult life, I finally found my solace, writing something that is understandable by me only, for this blog is written for myself, not to some random people I met on the flight back home, or to friends that barely recognize my existence, or to siblings that don't even care what I had gone through.

Because writing makes me feel calm, and feel as if I am wanted by someone that I want, and secured because it is easier to write than tell - I created a few more blogs. These blogs are active, some with daily updates, some with random pictures of the places I have been, some with itineraries of places that I about to visit, some with my favorite songs on the loop. And some are privatized, and some are public.

But Zubaidah Arshad is the place that I treasure the most. The place where I fell and scraped my own knee. This is my turf where once I laid down hands spread up looking at the sky up above, head freed with worries because I knew that I just could toss everything in without having to think what others might perceive. This is my home where I saw H, F, Y, and Liam, Harper and many other alphabetical muses that used to color my walls.

I appreciate you, my dear readers to have me in your feed, to follow me in your blog list, to read me whenever you have time to do so. How glad I am, I am just out of words. There is no adjective that is able to justify my gratefulness for you and your valuable time.

It just that I am so afraid that reading my daily entries - my rantings, laments, my turmoil, my constant grieves - will make you think that I am such a cheap drama queen that scavenge people's sympathy through my writings. I am never like that, and having said that, perhaps that is the sole reason why I don't go tiptoeing other people's blogs and comment or even leave a trail.

Part of me wants to be invisible, another half just wants to pursue what has been done.

Maybe, not to be seen is easier than to being judged.

Just give me some time to think. I don't know.

I just don't know.

#25

"A nickel can buy love"
"Maybe a dime"
"Nickel and dime supposedly stay as a means for product exchange, not for trading love"

Four, six, twenty years from now, at this exact time, on the day I see the sun descends on the far horizon, I may be nothing than a crippled old lady, with rusted teeth, crooked smile, and continuously lay still on the sand, with beads of sweat on the forehead, thinking of what my life would be, four, six or maybe twenty years thereafter.

If I have all the money in the world,

I would buy Love.

14 Miles To The Moon

I just want to smile. And let go.

How hard can it be?

The Plangent Cries

All I ever asked and wanted in my life is your love.

Grant me my wish.

I love you.

Mindsweeping

I am tired.

Not because from finding the man, but from the chores.

My washroom is shiny, my stove is the color of chrome again, my kitchen cabinet looks like a kitchen cabinet, my tiles are second to mirrors.

Spring cleaning makes me tired. And when I am exhausted, I spend my time sleeping. And when I sleep, I won't think about you. Except when you come into my dream, and kiss me on my cheek.

One right eyelash is falling again. Don' t miss me too much. I don't want to look something from Mars.

:) Good night.

ZA

He is so annoying today.
Like the most annoying person on planet Earth.
If killing would cost me a couple days behind the bars, I'd take the risk.

You are annoying Liam.
More than you think you are.

Revelation

Liam, I don't know whether I can endure this anymore. I hate the silent treatment that I give to you, because there is one part of me wants to be with you, wants to reconcile. But the other half just wants to get away with this mess, and stop being the one who's going to ruin the bond you have made with Sarrah.

When I gazed into the darkness just now at my favorite restaurant here at Kampung Beserah, I saw nothing. Unlike the nights before when the blinking lights from boat afar were much like fireflies. One good thing about dissolving self into the darkness is that you'll find time to think about a lot of things that you haven't thought. Like the thought about you and me, about you and Sarrah, about this unknown relationship we are into right now.

Unlike extraordinary people that I saw on TV that moved on so easily after a major breakup, I am just plain old Jane. I have said this so many times, I sound like a broken record, but this is me, still trying to find someone, perhaps you, to be someone for me. I have longed enough for you, and at times I thought I couldn't take it anymore. People thought that I am strong, that I regain myself back after a horrid event so easily, that I smile whenever the highest hurdles come by. I do that, but I cry inside. I don't go parade my tears for everybody to look at. Why should I?

I agree that the world does not revolve around me, I agree that you are a husband to a wife, I agree that shielding your marriage is your utmost priority, and I agree that this is me being silly. I went to Nina and all out with what I feel at this particular moment. And she told me that she could see you into me. Because like what I wrote to Sarrah 'when you love someone, it shows'. Yes, I will spare you the details later. I didn't say much to her, because I was being wise at that time. If I had been kooky, I curse her for having you before me.

Liam, I find comfort in making excuses, and I feel secured finding reasons to keep moving on each day. Sometimes, when I wake up from my sleep at wee hour, I stuck at dead end. Then I make a reason to wake up, and move. You have been my reason to wake up, Liam. I know you wouldn't know because this isn't going to you anyway.

I don't get a lot of things. I don't understand your lingo. I don't speak your language.

I just want to know what do you think about me. Because it is so hard to live day by day, fabricating illusion that you are in love me, making up something that is not even real, proving something that is not even exist.

Hopes are my strength. And I don't want to lose that. Because when I lose hopes, I lose my dreams, my reasoning, my virtue, and you.

ZA

A Spot Of Bother

You know I think about you a lot lately. Like when there was a time that I was almost a pinch close to buy you a wallet, or when I had a thought that you may like this polo shirt, but back then I was stupid so I didn't buy you any.

So I got you a book instead. For you to read. Because this is one of my favorite books, that I could relate with. Because I think I am as completely confused as George, or as loyal as Jamie or as thoughtful as Tony.

Except that I am not any of those. And I am a loser, trying to dig you out of your sanity. Trying to bring you out to the place you never been before. To the complete and utter difference.

So I didn't give you any. Not until that I know what do you think about me. So for now, I will keep this book, and you may continue to play your game.

I'll wait. But not for long.

That Very Afternoon

It wasn't about the lagoon afar, or the men with the net looking for some fishes to bring home, or the scalded skin burnt from the hot coastal sun, or the slow waves that rocked the boat from right to left. Or about the subtle breeze of South China Sea. Or an old man sitting on a bench and completely gone in his thoughts.

There is more to life than an open sea, or a cup of warm milk tea with a plate of keropok lekor. It is about finding time to spend on thinking about things you haven't thought would happen. It is about trying to understand issues, and concerns, and the causes and consequences.

When I sat there on that table, a torrent of emotions came rushed in. I couldn't tell why, nor I couldn't say how. I was alone. And everybody was with everybody else.

Hands in hands. Smiles. Laughs. They were gleaming with happiness.

At certain times, when everything gets so rough, and when I thought there is no more hope to cling on to, when there are so much to take, and when I ran out of tears to cry, I hide.

But not here. Not among the happy people.

Run! And please take me into your dream!

Someone Like You

I don't have any idea to whom I should tell this anymore. When I laid my back on my bed overlooking the sky from my window, I was literally dissolved in our stories. Stories I couldn't tell, stories I couldn't find the way how to start. Stories are made up, mine are real.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
Sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead.

ZA

Housekeeping

My table is a mess. Just like my heart. Waiting for someone to come over, clean it up and make it neat all over again.

Tuesday
ZA

I look at that open road, I'm gonna walk there by myself

I cant find the joy within my soul
It's just sadness taking hold
I wanna come in from the cold
And make myself renewed again
It takes strength to live this way
The same old madness every day
I wanna kick these blues away
I wanna learn to live again...

Dark Road
Annie Lennox

To All Workers Out There

I wish you a Happy Labor's Day. I had my share of my ups and downs from various companies that I have worked with. In the current position, and in the current company, I feel content. Part of it perhaps the pay is pretty handsome, and part of it, maybe I am just sick of moving and getting to know new people, new faces, new grounds, new food, and new men.

I hope you guys enjoy your work. When shits happen, remember, we are paid to do the job. Appropriate or inappropriate is the different question altogether.

Cheers.

ZA