“I wonder why you did all that”
“Did what?”
“You know all those banters and teasing and poking and smiling. It was all out of place. Not that I wasn’t looking for the answer, but you being mysterious and I being so closed off, I think it worked quite well”
“It was a mystery for you?”
“It was an untold story for me. And I said you were being mysterious”
“What is so mysterious about me hitting on you?”
“I couldn’t read you. You were all this arrogant bloke who are talking craps all the time. You were so snobbish, I blog about you all the time”
“I read all those. You were making fun of my English, you said I was a cow”
“You did?”
“Yes, why wouldn’t I?”
“I was so mad at you. I literally barfed green slime. I did not know that you liked me. Who the hell would know that? You lined up cues that no one could decipher”
“I am bad at that I guess”
“So you are really into me?”
There wasn’t any sound at all, except from the almost inaudible noise from the traffic across the street. The room filled with lemony scent, the comforter was the color of Chinese festivity. Red, and warm. They were sunken into the bed, eyes straight into one another. The breath wasn’t heavy, but was just enough to feel the warmth on his skin. His eyes were hazel. His eyes were jet black. They were staring, not a single blink.
“What are the other things that you read in my blog?”
A blink.
“You called me nostril”
He gave him his sardonic grin. And he giggled.
“You don’t want to ask me why?”
“Ermmmm..?”
He ran his fingers on his cheeks. Stroke his hair, touched his lips, walked his fingers on his nose so much like a stick man, then pluck out his protruding nostril hair.
“Ouch. Dammit!”
“And honey, that would be the answer to your question. Lain kali potong bulu hidung tau”
He hold his arm, it was so tight. As if holding to the tree not to be blown away by the twister. As if holding to a lifeline. As if he did not want to let him go anymore. The breath was heavy, a surge out of normality in a leap second. He couldn’t see his tears, but he felt it. His heart was pounding, every beat was like a huge balloon that was about to burst. His mind was occupied with his images, his names, his scent, his smiles, his favorite tee shirt, his doodles, his secret messages. He was tied to an imaginary bond with a woman that he did not even love. He was bounded by the expectation of society, and his parents, and his ego. He was locked by the customary, strangled by the norm that he had to follow.
He knew he did not belong to these customaries, to these obligations of the society’s expectations, to these bars that were incarcerating his true feeling. His true feelings towards him.
“I am scared. I have never felt this afraid before. I thought I was ready, but I am not. I know that I love you, I know that this is not my dick talking. This is me. I have never loved someone like this. You guess why I didn’t find any until I was 30? This is when I thought I have done a right thing. To love you. To have you in my life”
“You know right that this isn’t going anywhere. I have been in this pool of shits before, and it hurt like hell. I told myself not to engage in any dumb moves anymore, but who on earth can help it when the one you thought was the right one for you came knocking up on your door? I cried and I was drowned in my own tears, days that came by were solemn and somber, and being myself again wasn’t that easy. If you want the answer why did I throw such an ass look every single day not long ago, this perhaps the answer.
What I wanted to tell you are, if you are afraid, then we are over. Just make this our virgin date, and there won’t be anymore. Look, I need a man to be my guardian, to look after me, to stand by me”
“Can’t you for once, try to understand my problem?”
“And can’t you for once, try to understand my problem?”
The air was dry. And cold. Their legs intertwined. He released his limbs, adjusting his head and put it on his chest. His chest was hairy, soft and not heavy. He ran his fingers to his chin, stroking his goatee, playing with the hair.
“You know that he was a fool to let you go”
“He didn’t want me, what more could I ask for? He said, that wasn’t him, and his acts were unjust for. You don’t feel lucky that you have me?”
“You really want me? I have a functional wife at home. You won’t feel jealous?”
“So you don’t want me?”
“Ala.. jangan la merajuk. Gurau je”
“She knows your whereabouts?”
“Told her I was going for my trucker tune up”
“You love her?”
“Not as much as I love you”
“I want to sleep. Sing me a song. No. Don’t sing me a song. Promise me you will be here when I wake up”
“I promise you I will wake you up if I had to go”
“I love you”
“I love you too”
