Next Tuesday

His Captiva, X7 and Land Cruiser were nicely parked in his porch. The grill was neatly locked, and the sliding door was closed shut. The house as if being left to be looked for to a neighbor because the owner was left for a long vacation somewhere in Nepal.

But that was not the case. He got home on Friday from Hungary and he has been locked up inside the house with Sarrah for the past two days, trying to make up the celibacy period they had to endure for the one week. The meeting that was scheduled for two long weeks had been shortened to one, so I guess there was not too much 'misses' to reconcile.

Since the day I sent him that email, I was more than reluctant to repeat the utter stupidity all over again. I have to admit that there was not a hint of feeling of longing to be with him, to look him at his face, trying to search for the sincerity that he actually loved me. That time has flown away. I could not take any risk anymore, so I left my feeling inside an unknown territory somewhere in my heart.

He'll get to work on Tuesday. I can't say that I am excited. In fact, I really wished that he got stranded in Hungary and got detained and never able to get back here in Malaysia.

I really don't want to see his face again. When I thought at first that I could not endure the weeks without him, I was dead wrong. In fact I was happy. In fact it was the happiest 6 days of my life.

Liam, you told me you want to quit. And I told you not to. But I regret that. You can quit. I won't hold your back. I won't tell you that you are needed here anymore. You are not needed.

Not even a second.

ZA

In Two Weeks Time

He will be leaving for Hungary tomorrow. With another guy. For two long weeks.

I am alone. He doesn't care about me anymore. When I sent him a text wishing him to have a safe journey, he replied with only an 'OK TQ'. Probably he was having some fun with his wife, thinking that this perhaps the longest they wouldn't see each other. In fact, I heard he told Wilson that he's going to spend the whole Saturday with Sarrah, with a little raised voice - hoping that I would hear it and making me jealous. Ironically, I did not feel a thing. It was his business with what he wanted to do with her. I was not included in the picture, and I had no business interfering with his sex and married life. He wished what he could do, then he had what he wanted to do. Wilson was naive. He did not know that Liam did that just to torture my feeling. Bravo. He executed it quite well, because I saw he took a glimpse at me when he said that.

Pretty sad that he had to do that just to grab some of my attentions. He noticed the changes in me, I thought. Because the past few weeks, I have been spending some time flirting with Kurt and Bryan. Kurt did it best when he called me 'Sayang', when he grabbed my waist in front of Liam, when he smiled the way Liam never smiled at me. Liam noticed this, and perhaps that's the reason why he smacked my butt with a roll of paper yesterday, or when he did again his signature remark of playing with my ear lobes. It all came back when Kurt paid more attention to me. It all came back when I stopped sending him emails telling him that I missed him and what not. It all came back when I kept business as business, I didn't go to his table without any solid reasons anymore, and the most important thing of all, I didn't cook his meals anymore.

And that's the reason I am having such a huge regret right now, that I wish I never sent him an email this morning. Reading back what I wrote, sent a torrent of shivers down my spine. I hope he'd delete that once he saw my name in his inbox. I really hope so.

Because if he ever tells me to fuck off, then I have no other place to go, other than to keep my face thick and pretend that this never happened.



ZA

Something to ponder

A Message by George Carlin:



The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.


We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.


We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.


We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.


We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.


These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...


Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.


Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


George Carlin

Give me your love, and I'll make you happy forever

Independence?

Words of God supersedes human rights, bar none. 

The Crazy Pills

Being sick and emotionally depressed teaches me one good thing — no one is going to care you on the rainy days. You are always on your own. So these realities check has shaken my view on the comfort zone. The comfort zone of being surrounded by distant good friends. The thought that you will have their supports when you need them the most, because personally I don't go drown my mom and my dad with my troubles because why should I when I can go tell friends that had swore they would be my lifeline when I am in distress?

Yeah, so you and I both clearly know the fact that those can be said on an idle Tuesday evening just like that. I can say that, you can say that as well, but the truth is I committed to what has been said, but you dodge them like you never heard of it.

I am not crazy, it just the sleeping pills soothed my night. You never know how bad my nightmares are, you never know that I am struggling every night just to get a decent sleep, you never know how do I wake up in the middle of my sleep and can't be able to resume it back. You never know. You won't know. Because you have distant yourself when I told you that I was on sleeping pills, that the doc prescribed me with meds to keep me sane during the days that I had too much to endure and it led me astray.

Funny when I called you and told you about that, you ditched the call and told me you have something else to do.

Funny when I sent you messages through Facebook, and I didn't get any reply thereafter.

Funny when you told me that I am your best friend but you never acted like one.

For all the reasons that perhaps you have in your bags, I am giving you the benefit of the doubts. Well, I love all my friends, but after what had happened, I imagined the circle won't be the same again.

And for that, I thank you Zaleha for being such indeed a best friend for me. You will always be. I truly appreciate that. Thank you for not ditching me because of those arid pills. You understood, and I need someone who understands.

And you too Nina. Thanks a lot. I really mean it.

After all these episodes, now I get to see the true you. Thanks for the revelation. It is truly refreshing.

Thanks for being my best friends. You guys had been great. Well, someone got to budge.


ZA

The Matryoshka Dolls

No one wants to befriend a dead weight. It stays within logic. Why should we chase for troubles when happy moments with other people are there await you with open arms?

History tells us to learn something from them, at least a fraction from a pool of unimaginable size of lessons. Instead, we ignore because we think we can reinvent the history, or tweak the lessons they have for us according to our likings. Mistakes are repeated endlessly and being committed all over again.

One part inside us really wants to share what is happening around. Because sharing at least elevates some weight off the shoulders. Sharing doesn't mean we want to trouble the other party, instead we need a living thing to listen, to absorb some emotions, to nod at the appropriate moments.

Sharing to inanimate objects are farther stretch the depression. I will leave you with your own meandering imagination to picture the difficulties.

At times, friends come handy. At times, friends are nothing but a herd of Chinese opera actors that the real themselves are hidden under the thick white make up.


ZA

The Withering Sneers

The usual stream of water was non existent when Carrie turned open the faucet. It was a series of weak droplets, the sound it made when it hit the tile floor bounced against the walls, the waves reverberated - almost harmonic. The alley was dark (or sullen), those lights that used to brighten the wall and made the texture of imperfect finishing embossed were now a copy of colorful flickering light at Joe's. She has never been to any place quieter than this, that the quietest place that she had been to was her room, during the absence of Kayla. But at least, the range of quietness was bearable - with screeching scream from the worn out bushings of Henry's aging wheel (his white '55 Thunderbird was a steal!) or from the lawnmower across the streets.

Carrie watched the water now slowly crawled to the ditch, like a centipede that elongated on the forest's floor. It moved so slowly down the slope, looking for a place to settle down. There was still no sound, except the plops from the droplets of leaking faucet. It wasn't the sound Carrie was looking for, she needed something else, some sounds that were more assuring. Like the sound of distant steps, or the hums from the engine at the nearest road, or the shout of Dean calling for her name. At times like this that Carrie suddenly missed all the screams and yells and fights she had with him. It all seemed more prevalent right now that she missed him more than she could tell she would. It all seemed right now that the fights she had with him were menial, stupid and most importantly, childish. When everything could be settled and calmed down with talks like two adults should talk, they instead resort to scream and yell. And now when she's alone, she realized how much times had been wasted when those times could be spent on the bed, cuddling, exchanging sweet talks, nibble his ears, stoke his chest hair and make the world theirs'.

"Carrie!"

Before Tomorrow

For some strange reasons, I dreamed about baking a choc cake for you last night. And I placed a slice on your table, so early in the morning when everybody didn't come in as yet. And a tiny black box with a brown leather wallet just sat nicely on a crumpled silky smooth white satin.

I opened up your middle drawer, in between papers and books, and I saw my card that I gave to you were still there, hidden underneath your bills. I couldn't find anywhere more appropriate to hide it, so I put it in there.

The dream was halted while I was waiting anxiously for you to come over, I was dreaded to see you. I was dreaded to see you beaming with excitement or at least to witness a splash of happiness on your face.

But that didn't materialize. Abah woke me up for Subuh.

As I sat on the bed, with eyes still glued like I hadn't had my sleep for years, my mind wandered on the dream that was just gone stopped. I knew that I didn't think about him as much. I knew that. Perhaps I suppressed my feeling under my state of incongruity? I couldn't tell.

For some strange reasons, I think I miss you too much.

ZA