Zubaidah Arshad
Showing posts from June, 2011 Show all

I'll Go To Bed At Noon

Children never came to Janus Brian and Mary. Somehow, it seemed to Colette, childlessness shaped their lives, gave it its character, its distinctiveness. How could they bear it, she wondered, to know that that was it? That their marriage was just that - two people - and never would be anything else, robbed of the phases growing children give to a family. How could they contemplate old age, tottering together along a lonely path into darkness, with no one to leave their house to but strangers?

Gerard Woodward

Battlefield

I am fighting my insomnia. By running around the housing area, and working out at the gym.

It has been four months since I had my nice decent sleep.

Tell me what should I do. I just can't take this anymore.

ZA

Good Night

There's something wrong happening inside my belly. Something jiggling, something wrong, but yet it feels so right. Oh yes! Now I know! Butterflies, flying, swarming inside my belly! Two? Three? or Five?

Oh my butterflies inside my belly. Tell me, when will you go away?

I hate you but I need you.

Oh butterflies. Give me your colors, and throw your worries away.

ZA

Yesterday

It is a few days shy to July and there are projects to monitor, reports to submit, savings to calculate, KPI to measure, exams to sit, courses to attend, FEED to execute, equipment to repair, contracts to review, budgets to justify, work spec to deliver, material list to compile, and if you ask me, the list is never ending. Everybody is crazy with schedule, so does Liam. When I got back from the test witness a few days ago, he wasn't at his seat. In fact, when I questioned Trevor about Liam's whereabouts, he said that he has been busy with meetings and internal investigations that his presence was only during lunch, and still working.

I remember a few weeks back, when he got back from an urgent meeting with the UK counterpart, he came over to Derek's table and started looking for crackers. From one table to another. People didn't ask, but people knew that he didn't even have time to take his lunch and up until today, I never seen him bring something from home. Something that has been prepacked from home. But what I saw was only sandwiches from the cafe. That's all. Ed once told me that I lacked empathy. You should stand corrected Ed, because when I heard that Liam got back home at 9pm, and all he had was an instant noodle (prepared by himself!), I couldn't help to feel sorry for him. Well maybe Sarrah wasn't that well at that time, so he had to cook by himself, who knows?

So yesterday, at the time when I had to submit my bid contract review, he walked in into the office, looking worn out as never before. It was almost 6 and I was about to get up from my chair when he did his usual thing - nudging my chair. It felt like being wanted. Like being someone who is being longed by someone from afar. That couldn't be reached. When I looked around there were only Brandon, Liam and me in the office, and Brandon as cold as ever, never going to look nor hear what were we going to say. He was buried in his works, like most of us do. In between stockpiling files and vernier calipers, I snatched a look at him. He glanced at me, and he smiled.

Turning around, took his jacket, and slowly he got off from his black leather seat.

"Let's go home"

His stubble was so sexy, his cheeks were thinning, the jawline couldn't get any hotter than that.

"After you"

So he walked straight to the door, waited for me at the hall while I put my boots on. When I was in the hall, he was already walking towards the exit door.

"You didn't wait for me"

"I wait for you. See, I am walking like a sloth"

"You are sloth, you know that?"

"Am I?"

"Wait!"

I took my hard hat, put on his head backward, and squeezed his cheeks. He was a charmer.

"OK. How does the meeting go?"

"So and so. Don't want to talk about it"

"OK"

The sun on the far horizon was descending, leaving the sky with the thin clouds in dusky yellowish trail. Breeze was subtle, swaying my hair that were falling beneath my helmet. He didn't say a word, I didn't say a word. But I caught his glimpse once in a while.

The parking lot was almost empty when we reached there. Except at the other end of the hood, two trucks were parked side by side. Rayyan was warded, so I stole his spot just beside Liam's. When he started his engine, I got into the passenger seat, sinking self into his beemer. We stared into each others' eyes, and at the expense of breaking the silence, he brought out his phone, showing to me cars and what not. It came as a surprise that the wallpaper wasn't Sarrah, but a concept car from Nissan. Perhaps married men all like that, pasting picture of someone they love on the phone could reveal their vulnerability.

At the very last minute before I leave, I pinched his cheeks all over again. He smiled. Cute as ever. And when I was about to get out, he spanked my butt.

I smiled at him. He smiled at me.

Liam, you know I miss you. And you miss me too. But how on earth are we going to move?

ZA


And Kuantan still as gorgeous as I seen it for the first time.

An Early Suprise

It was a deliberate thought whether to get him something to wear, or a book, or perhaps a full board vacation to one of the islands in Philippines. A month before his birthday, I decided to get him a wallet. Rest assured, I had bad time rolling in the bed, trying to weigh one present to another. Nina once suggested to give Liam a wallet, because he would touch it, and of course, would glance at it every time he takes it out from his back pocket. So the idea was seeded from there, and I got Abah a new leather wallet.  Dark, brown, soft, and leathery.

I gave it to him two weeks before his birthday. It came as a surprise, but knowing my crazy schedule and I couldn't come home for dinner on his birthday, he nodded and smiled. It touched me when I saw his eyes, it was glimmered with a thin film of tears. I know that the wallet is nothing, and undoubtedly he could get it online, or perhaps drive to the city and get it at some fancy shopping mall.

Being in the family of five, I am the closest to them all. The other four are either too busy with business, patients and personal affairs, or do not remember it at all. When I was in the departure hall, waiting to board the flight a couple of days ago, I called him, wishing him good health and the sorts on his birthday. It was at 8pm, 20 hours behind the time I should call him. A few seconds after we ended our conversation, I scrolled for my brother's number, and text him.

"Have you wished Abah's birthday?"

"Today?"

"Fucktard. You don't even know?"

"I wasn't sure. Thought it was last week"

"Fuckball. Can't you for once appreciate him?"

"Yeah I know"

It might not be a Beemer. It might be nothing. But the thought is what matters the most.

Happy Birthday Abah. May ladyluck always be by yourside.

ZA

p/s: Happy Father's Day to you too! Mmuahh! I'm going back soon!