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3.6.17

Apartment 11B

This picture was taken on the top of the hill at Old Town Ibiza. The day was beautiful and sunny. The people too. Can’t say that I miss a place so much like I miss Ibiza.


1.4.17

Those Little Words

My 3 journals. Journals are not judgmental. They just keep quiet when you poor your thoughts to them. They don't make you look stupid when you tell them your feelings. They don't shrug off when you tell them your problems.

They just there. Silent and your words stare back at your face.

Journals keep me sane. These journals are my solace.

27.3.17

Debt-dy Issues

"He's so funny. He's like my dream boy"
"Jokes won't make your stomach full. Funny won't shelter you from rain and sun"
"Are you this serious all the time?"
"Yes and no. Yes because you've got issues. No because I ain't you"
"I think you got to check your panties, because your pussy is on fire. Hahaha"
"Why do you think it's funny? Your lame bone is on point there"
"You're boring"
"Yeah. Go get your dream boy"
"OK OK OK. I'll give you back your money tomorrow"
"Thanks"


Zubaidah Arshad
25th March 2017
Juffair, Kingdom of Bahrain

6.3.17

Klara Södra kyrkogata

After so many years, I am back in Stockholm. While walking down the alley, I couldn't help to recall the conversation we had a night before.

I thought finally, we had something in common. But I also forget that you can't be forgiving of me all the time.

We just need to get past through the period where things we should've said are kept unsaid, because to be honest, and to be fair, we both know the fact that I always make things worse, and you always pull yourself back. For once, a resistance from you would be good.

And as always, you play the good guy role once again, making me looks like an ungrateful 40-ish spinster who does not know how to say Thank You once in a while.

So this alley, and the leafless trees along the road, just an addition to the bland images of yours. For once I wished you were here, but the fact that you're actually not here, sends a chill relief down my spine.

I miss you Aboody. I really do.

ZA
Stockholm, Sweden


18.2.17

That Man


"Don't push it"
"It is not enough"
"What more there is?"
"He said he couldn't be my boyfriend"
"Hey woman. Boyfriend is only a term. He acts like one, technically he's your boyfriend"
"I need to be labeled. Like 'ZA, the girlfriend of Aboody'. It feels nice to let the whole world know that you are belong to someone. It feels good that once in a while, you're not barking at the wrong tree. It makes you feel that you are wanted"
"Just don't push it, please. Aboody by far is the best guy you ever have in your life. I never heard Liam, Custard, Shay or any other fuckers that you dated before willing to go to your home, bought a shitload of light bulbs, because you're too blond to replace one. I never heard these guys came to your house, bringing over toilet seat because you were stupid enough not to buy one for your own loo.

"He's married. He has a daughter. What he is giving you right now is more than you could ask for. You cannot demand something that even not your own. You cannot wish for something that won't happen. If he loves you albeit secretly or openly, for me, that is more than the world that you could wish for.

"I am really happy when you found him you know. For once, you were yourself again. You start to laugh again, your face lit up like a moon, your smile is genuine. I haven't seen you like this for quite some time. Expectation that you have in your brain right now needs to be lowered down. He loves you, you know that. He won't say that to you. But he loves you. Who the fuck on earth doesn't have a feeling to someone, but at the same time spending hours lying down together under a blanket, watching that foolish La La Land?

"Take a good care of him. I want you to be happy. I want you to be yourself again"
"I know. But the problem is, love is like ice cream. It won't make you full, but it makes you crave for more. His affection towards me perhaps the sweetest thing I ever tasted in my life. His smile brightens up my day. When I feel a little under the weather, I dig back his stupid jokes at the back of my head, and how old the jokes are, I still laugh at it. I feel good around him. He is my dream boy. I know that he's someone's husband, I know that he's a father to a beautiful child, but I can't help to wish that I want him all for myself"
"You can't. And you won't. If you love him, you won't do it"
"What's with me that I always fall for someone's husband all over again? Why can't I get someone that don't belong to anyone? Why don't I meet him earlier?"
"Because if you met him earlier, he might not be the one that you see right now. He could be someone else"
"Maybe"

"Love him. Love all you want. But that's all about it.  Appreciate this moment. For one second, be grateful that he's there for you"
"I am afraid he will change. He promised he won't. But who knows?"
"He won't. I know"
"I know"
"Be strong"
"Can I cry?"
"Yes"
"Thanks"
"Stupid woman"

6.2.17

How can I not love you? You were there in my happiest and darkest moments. You put up with my shits. You are there every time for me.

I love you. I love you Aboodi.

5.2.17

Dream Boy

"You know right that I would if I could?"
"You could, and you should"
"I couldn't. I'm sorry"
"You said you would do anything to make me happy"
"I know"
"Then do it"
"Put yourself in my shoes. Will you cheat someone that loves you, someone that you love?"
"No. But it is unfair. I wish we never met each other. It's better that way"
"Don't say it. I know you're mad at me. I can't lose you"
"Then why showered me with hopes in the first place?"
"Don't shove those words into my mouth. I never said that. I told you to never fall in love with me. I told you I have a wife. I have a child. I can't cheat on them"
"But do you love me?"
"I can't say that"
"Can you deny that you don't have any feelings towards me, at all?"
"I can't. Deep inside me, I love you. But I love my family more"
"If you never married, if you met me before your wife, will you spend the rest of your life with me?"
"I will"
"I love you"
"I know. Me too"


ZA

19.1.17

31st December 2016

And in this room, Maher and I sat watching each others eyes. Not talking (because we were running out of topics), just listening to his breath and watching his fingers running across the marbles lines. I was simmered in uncertainty.

There were a tad too many times when I pinched my arm just to make sure that I wasn't living in a dream. Because having Maher for a little while was so surreal, because having a feeling that you were wanted was perhaps the best feeling a person could have.

30.9.16

Maher

Do you know when was the last time I cried because of a man? A few years back. 

I might cry again.

Tonight.


ZA