What if someone you never met, someone you never saw, someone you never knew was the only someone for you?
"I have a question. Do you know when are you going to die? Or when you about to get crushed by a giant rock, or the time when someone slaps your head from the back? Can you tell?"
"I know what are you trying to say. Don't fucking tease me"
"You know what, you had a future with Abdullah but your idiotic brain told you to ditch him and fucking sail this life on your own. And now I have to listen to you whining about your sad single life every single fucking day and you won't even accept my advice. You are my friend, but you are a fucking stupid friend. I think I care more about your heart than you do, because what I see, when you say you're going to take care about your heart, what you do is only putting fucking stupid patches on your fucking heart. It'll stop the bleed, you fucker. But it won't put away with your pain."
"I am trying to.."
"Trying what? Being a sad 30 ish spinster?"
"Trying to make peace with my own damn heart"
"I know what's in your head now. Shay?"
"It is Shay right?"
"No. Maybe yes. I don't know"
"5 billions people are in this world, and you fucking choose him again?"
"I don't know. I think I still love him"
"You love him. He never loved you"
"It's OK Nina. I choose not to believe you"
"Yeah fuck you"
I had all the things that I should and could say to Shay, but I chose not to. In fact, I chose to share one of my heavily guarded secrets ever to the guy I barely talk to, to the guy who kept on ditching me for unknown reasons, the guy who kept on throwing away glances as if I was the dirtiest human ever existed on earth.
I chose to be stupid that day. I chose to be ignorant. I chose to leave my conscience handle my emotions on its own. I chose to forget that I had career ahead of me that I should treasure.
I chose to be an idiot. And I am sure this will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Tupac Shakur sums it all just right. You gotta be able to smile through all these bullshits.
Chin up and face the world.
Suck it up.
When Shay was away for two straight months, life in the office seemed weightless. I couldn't be sure whether it was because I didn't care, or because my heart was so swollen with anger (and with a little dilution of love dose) that his absence was nothing but godsend. It was easy to forget someone when that someone was not around, and it was easier that the multiple awkward encounters on the stairs, or on the hallway, or on the way to the cafeteria, were totally gone. But given my atrocious track record of getting back to the same pool of shit all over again, I met him in his office when he reported back for duty. He had a minor surgery, so I thought it was appropriate for me to give him a courtesy visit. It was fine at that particular time that he even spilled some of his well-kept hidden secrets. It went perfectly well for the first few days until I sent him a Whatsapp message telling him that he was important to me.
Things went downhill from that point onward, the episode of awkward encounters resumed in its supremacy. At one time, we crossed our paths on the hallway. He was from the left side of the building, while I on the other hand, was walking from another side of the building. The destination however was similar - the main exit door. I wanted to look at him but I couldn't. You know, when you met someone that you fond, but you were in a row with him and you were clueless and you were left dumbfounded to what your next move should be. I couldn't pass through the door, barely holding to my racing heart, let alone to get pass through the moment.
A few days ago, I had a lengthy talk with Asmida. She agreed and concluded that I was the one to blame, that I was the root cause for all the turmoil I faced with my opposite sex human interaction. As much as I wanted to disagree, I couldn't. I guess, this what will happen when you love someone a little bit too much.
Shay is somehow special to me. I think so. I would like to think so, even when he thinks the other way round. My problem with getting too involved in the early stage of friend(relation)ship needs to be looked upon. It has ruined a lot of my past relationships with other men. I can't continue to chase for people's love. I need to settle down and embark on a new journey. After all, my eggs won't last long. Someone needs to be born to be my legacy.
p/s: The Buaianain as the post title does not reflect the previous Al Buaianain. I found out that he is as jerk as Shay. I think even worse. That's all.
That's what happened to me when I decided to privatize my blog a few weeks ago. The nice cocoon that I have been hiding all this while was almost blown off - no thanks to my absentminded brain.
I think I got it sorted out, so I will continue to write, and open this blog to public, you know, just to test the water.
We'll see what will happen.
I hope I am not ruining anything.