There were a tad too many times when I pinched my arm just to make sure that I wasn't living in a dream. Because having Maher for a little while was so surreal, because having a feeling that you were wanted was perhaps the best feeling a person could have.
What if someone you never met, someone you never saw, someone you never knew was the only someone for you?
"I have a question. Do you know when are you going to die? Or when you about to get crushed by a giant rock, or the time when someone slaps your head from the back? Can you tell?"
"I know what are you trying to say. Don't fucking tease me"
"You know what, you had a future with Abdullah but your idiotic brain told you to ditch him and fucking sail this life on your own. And now I have to listen to you whining about your sad single life every single fucking day and you won't even accept my advice. You are my friend, but you are a fucking stupid friend. I think I care more about your heart than you do, because what I see, when you say you're going to take care about your heart, what you do is only putting fucking stupid patches on your fucking heart. It'll stop the bleed, you fucker. But it won't put away with your pain."
"I am trying to.."
"Trying what? Being a sad 30 ish spinster?"
"Trying to make peace with my own damn heart"
"I know what's in your head now. Shay?"
"It is Shay right?"
"No. Maybe yes. I don't know"
"5 billions people are in this world, and you fucking choose him again?"
"I don't know. I think I still love him"
"You love him. He never loved you"
"It's OK Nina. I choose not to believe you"
"Yeah fuck you"
I had all the things that I should and could say to Shay, but I chose not to. In fact, I chose to share one of my heavily guarded secrets ever to the guy I barely talk to, to the guy who kept on ditching me for unknown reasons, the guy who kept on throwing away glances as if I was the dirtiest human ever existed on earth.
I chose to be stupid that day. I chose to be ignorant. I chose to leave my conscience handle my emotions on its own. I chose to forget that I had career ahead of me that I should treasure.
I chose to be an idiot. And I am sure this will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Tupac Shakur sums it all just right. You gotta be able to smile through all these bullshits.
Chin up and face the world.
Suck it up.