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31st December 2016

And in this room, Maher and I sat watching each others eyes. Not talking (because we were running out of topics), just listening to his breath and watching his fingers running across the marbles lines. I was simmered in uncertainty.

There were a tad too many times when I pinched my arm just to make sure that I wasn't living in a dream. Because having Maher for a little while was so surreal, because having a feeling that you were wanted was perhaps the best feeling a person could have.



Do you know when was the last time I cried because of a man? A few years back. 

I might cry again.




“When you feel homesick,’ he said, ‘just look up. Because the moon is the same wherever you go.”
― Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch



I thought I'd love the idea of being touched by a man. I thought I would love the feeling of being caress, of strong hands slowly running on your back like a trickling sweat, of fingers stroking your hair like a giant comb, of warm breath that brushes your faces, or the jolt when the other lips touch yours.

No. It would be fun when I was in my 20s. When I knew I would look alluring in a pink lingerie. But all of that never happened when I was in my 20s and I never had it now even just to make a wild comparison.

I could only imagine how my life would be back then. And I just can imagine how my life will be if I venture into this for the first time, at the age me supposedly having a teenage son and daughter.

Am I have been silent for too long? 



Shay left the company. I don't want to believe that it is because of me. I would like to believe that he moved for a better future.



Thing happens sometimes. Or just doesn't happen at all.



What if someone you never met, someone you never saw, someone you never knew was the only someone for you?

"There's no way to tell, isn't it? What if you pass by him, and he throws you a glance, and you take it as only a glance from stranger and not knowing that the guy is the right guy for you? How on earth would you face yourself when you knew that you just missed a chance, a chance of at last being loved by someone that is perfect for you?"

"I have a question. Do you know when are you going to die? Or when you about to get crushed by a giant rock, or the time when someone slaps your head from the back? Can you tell?"

"I know what are you trying to say. Don't fucking tease me"

"You know what, you had a future with Abdullah but your idiotic brain told you to ditch him and fucking sail this life on your own. And now I have to listen to you whining about your sad single life every single fucking day and you won't even accept my advice. You are my friend, but you are a fucking stupid friend. I think I care more about your heart than you do, because what I see, when you say you're going to take care about your heart, what you do is only putting fucking stupid patches on your fucking heart. It'll stop the bleed, you fucker. But it won't put away with your pain."

"I am trying to.."

"Trying what? Being a sad 30 ish spinster?"

"Trying to make peace with my own damn heart"

"I know what's in your head now. Shay?"


"It is Shay right?"

"No. Maybe yes. I don't know"

"5 billions people are in this world, and you fucking choose him again?"

"I don't know. I think I still love him"

"You love him. He never loved you"

"It's OK Nina. I choose not to believe you"

"Yeah fuck you"



Too Much Information

I had all the things that I should and could say to Shay, but I chose not to. In fact, I chose to share one of my heavily guarded secrets ever to the guy I barely talk to, to the guy who kept on ditching me for unknown reasons, the guy who kept on throwing away glances as if I was the dirtiest human ever existed on earth.

I chose to be stupid that day. I chose to be ignorant. I chose to leave my conscience handle my emotions on its own. I chose to forget that I had career ahead of me that I should treasure.

I chose to be an idiot. And I am sure this will haunt me for the rest of my life.



On My Own

If someone came to up to you and handed you a book and you started reading it and then realized it was a book of your entire life, would you continue reading it till the end?



Why do we think love will fix us and makes us whole when in the end it just leaves us more broken than before?


Get Home

The hardest thing you have to endure in life most probably is to hang on tight to all of your shits, and still be able to smile in the end.

Tupac Shakur sums it all just right. You gotta be able to smile through all these bullshits.

Chin up and face the world.

Suck it up.