A Raya Note

Couldn’t help myself but to stare at last year’s Eid photo. Doesn’t want to sound sappy nor despondent, but this is how I plunge into the celebratory eve of Eid. The lemang was nothing but thick blocks of salty gooey carbs; the rendang was a pot of runny distasteful disappointment; and home is a vault of silence with unperturbed partitions of messes. 

My head spins with distress, annoyance, troubles, problems, whatever there is. They say, tonight is the moment of reflection, when you sit down, pat yourself at the back for passing through the 30 days of self abstain. Did I fast good enough? Sure I fasted more days than when I was 10. Did I win the fight? It was more like carrot and stick, where my uncontrolled self chasing the carrot to no end.

Have I tried my best? More often than not, I have not. Have I tried to mend the fences? Your guess is as good as mine, I have not. Have I tried to man up and admit my mistakes? No I have not, but I stood by my decisions even though it is wrong. 

Am I a shitty person? I am and there’s not even a remote chance that I am going to deny that. Have I abused the trust that was bestowed on me? I have and even though sorry might be cliched, I ran out of words other than how remorsefully sorry I am. 

This Eid, as with the other Eids I had before, is just another day of me lounging on the couch watching TV while snacking chips  on my belly. The only difference is that this year, it is without my late Abah’s soothing presence, my Mak’s comforting smile, and all other nitty gritty that makes Hari Raya as it is. 

If you ask me how do I feel, which I’m certain you will not, I am just sad and depressed. And as much as I want it to sound casual, it’s a reprise of melancholic epiphany. 


Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir dan Batin

Dhahran,

Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

Comments

PerempuanSeparaKhayal said…
Selamat Hari Raya Sis. Selalu jenguk sini nak tunggu update. Love reading your blog..
03:45
Zubaidah Arshad said…
Selamat hari raya to you too!
23:33
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