Liam, I don't know whether I can endure this anymore. I hate the silent treatment that I give to you, because there is one part of me wants to be with you, wants to reconcile. But the other half just wants to get away with this mess, and stop being the one who's going to ruin the bond you have made with Sarrah.

When I gazed into the darkness just now at my favorite restaurant here at Kampung Beserah, I saw nothing. Unlike the nights before when the blinking lights from boat afar were much like fireflies. One good thing about dissolving self into the darkness is that you'll find time to think about a lot of things that you haven't thought. Like the thought about you and me, about you and Sarrah, about this unknown relationship we are into right now.

Unlike extraordinary people that I saw on TV that moved on so easily after a major breakup, I am just plain old Jane. I have said this so many times, I sound like a broken record, but this is me, still trying to find someone, perhaps you, to be someone for me. I have longed enough for you, and at times I thought I couldn't take it anymore. People thought that I am strong, that I regain myself back after a horrid event so easily, that I smile whenever the highest hurdles come by. I do that, but I cry inside. I don't go parade my tears for everybody to look at. Why should I?

I agree that the world does not revolve around me, I agree that you are a husband to a wife, I agree that shielding your marriage is your utmost priority, and I agree that this is me being silly. I went to Nina and all out with what I feel at this particular moment. And she told me that she could see you into me. Because like what I wrote to Sarrah 'when you love someone, it shows'. Yes, I will spare you the details later. I didn't say much to her, because I was being wise at that time. If I had been kooky, I curse her for having you before me.

Liam, I find comfort in making excuses, and I feel secured finding reasons to keep moving on each day. Sometimes, when I wake up from my sleep at wee hour, I stuck at dead end. Then I make a reason to wake up, and move. You have been my reason to wake up, Liam. I know you wouldn't know because this isn't going to you anyway.

I don't get a lot of things. I don't understand your lingo. I don't speak your language.

I just want to know what do you think about me. Because it is so hard to live day by day, fabricating illusion that you are in love me, making up something that is not even real, proving something that is not even exist.

Hopes are my strength. And I don't want to lose that. Because when I lose hopes, I lose my dreams, my reasoning, my virtue, and you.



Uncle Tam's said…
Well mate, I might be a stranger to yr blog, but yr writing attracts me lots..bcoz it's all about yr feelings right now..and the way u put them on blog was brilliant..every single words been nicely written by yr heart..nice touch mate!

Hope u are taking things easy there..there's still lights at the end of the tunnel..keep walking!
Zubaidah Arshad said…
Uncle Tam, thank you so much.
Your words comfort me.

I am walking right now, like a duck.
Uncle Tam's said…
Our lives is so unique so we need people who know us better that anyone else.

Some people thought they knew us but I'm talking about the way of thinking, the heart, the nature. And you know yrself better. What u want and what you do not want.

We are nowhere near the finished article yet but we have got the attributes to be, that's for sure

Be strong mate..
az said…
Dear ZA,
i simply love everything in here, coz it's exactly what i feel.. Been there, done that~

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