Reblog: Before Tomorrow

For some strange reasons, I dreamed about baking a choc cake for you last night. And I placed a slice on your table, so early in the morning when everybody didn't come in as yet. And a tiny black box with a brown leather wallet just sat nicely on a crumpled silky smooth white satin.

I opened up your middle drawer, in between papers and books, and I saw my card that I gave to you was still there, hidden underneath your bills. I couldn't find anywhere more appropriate to hide it, so I put it in there.

The dream was halted while I was waiting anxiously for you to come over, I was dreaded to see you. I was dreaded to see you beaming with excitement or at least to witness a splash of happiness on your face.

But that didn't materialize. Abah woke me up for Subuh.

As I sat on the bed, with eyes still glued like I hadn't had my sleep for years, my mind wandered on the dream that was just gone stopped. I knew that I didn't think about him as much. I knew that. Perhaps I suppressed my feeling under my state of incongruity? I couldn't tell.

For some strange reasons, I think I miss you too much.

ZA
5th November 2011

The Departure

Marco left a note on the table at the kitchen isle on the morning he decided to leave. It was a simple "Thanks, Goodbye. You take care" on a piece of stick-it note that I always keep on top of the fridge.

It was Monday. A usual Monday. My Monday means get up early, take my bath and off to work. His Monday means wake up late (usually at noon when the sun is pretty unbearable), wrap a towel around his waist and go skin dipping in the open ocean. He was as tanned as any other Malay guy by the second week he was here.

His lunch equals to our last night dinner. Because I didn't usually dine out, and he didn't eat take home food, so home cooking was the last option.

"I love your asam pedas"
"Damn your gulai lemak nenas kicks butt"
"Please make more laksa tomorrow"
"Zee, I miss pasta"

His appetite never seemed to shrink since Tiff left him. All help and hopes were engulfed in a huge plate of steamed fragrance rice with a super huge mackerel, and a dollop of sambal belacan. I didn't know turning someone white to brown was that easy. What seemed left was his friendship with me, and that, sat on a thin line as well.

We talked a lot at home. His journey from one end to another. Things that he found while strolling the beach. People that he talked while looking at the darkening evening. The butterfly he gotten in his belly when he thought of Tiffany.

Perhaps leaving this place is the best he can do right now. I won't be able to drop him a call, or say hi to him via skype. He doesn't even have a facebook account. So all in all, his disapperance is pretty much like smoke in the air. It disappears along the blowing wind.

I think I miss him.

ZA

End Of This Month

The best political campaign is to make your party looks furnished and manicured with strategic viable planning, that is deliverable and realistic. The worst political campaign when one party mouthbitches about another party, and that alone signifies the type of leader that you are going to choose.

Stop mouthbitching one another. That doesn't make you look better. It just polishes the stupidity that you are trying to cover.

Good night.

ZA

Friday

I just realized that I needed not to run away to gather the missing peace. I just only had to lie still on my bed looking out the window with sea breeze softly touched the overhanging mango tree leaves, listening to the sound it made when it ran into each other, and at the other time just close my eyes and let the chirping of the birds get into my head like a lullaby.

I don't have to run away. I just only need to let go.

Anchor

You have no ideas what these people have to endure, day by day.

ZA

Dungun

My typical weekend. Lies under the tree, listening to every crashing waves, get sleepy by the breezes, and feel ever so grateful to have a chance to indulge in this beauty again and again and again.

This is Teluk Bidara, Dungun, Terengganu, Malaysia.

ZA

The Timeline

I think I have most of my adult life wraps nicely in Facebook's timeline. Almost everything. My rantings, my quirkiness, my stupid pictures, my immature happiness, my sad moments. If I take one good moment going through the timeline bit by bit, I am pretty sure that I have grown up more than I could have imagined. Once I was someone else, and now I am someone else. Facebook records it. I experience it. You might see it. I don't want to let it go.

ZA

A Guest

Marco called me a few weeks back, couldn't hold the excitement in his voice:

"Drake said you just moved to a beach-y house. I am thinking to redeem my frequent flyer points and fly to visit you there"

I couldn't say no to Marco. Who can. That puppy hazel eyes, long wavy hair, untrimmed stubble. The only that isn't quite the same is his belly and his weight.

"Mac and cheese in the morning, more mac and cheese in the afternoon, and definitely another mac and cheese in the evening. Tiff let me swell. She wouldn't if she loved me. She left. She made me eat mac and cheese day and night"

I told him that mac and cheese wouldn't make him happy. He should have run across the football field, climb the steps, down to the back alley, run through the field again and let all the sweat drench his armpits and his body.

"Bullshit. I won't model again"

Come on Marco. You are not this dipstick.

"Yeah. Now you're ditching me too"

Who says so fucktard? I told you to let go.

"Tiff is holding me. Not that I mean it literally, but she's here [Marco holds his chest], and she's holding me up"

Yeah whatever. Feed your stupidity.
----

"So you're okay now?"

The sand is pristine, the color of earth. Taken away by each crashing wave.

"I guess so. I think I miss you more than I miss Tiff. The 'more' is like that island far away, and 'the Tiff miss' is only this huge", Marco's eyes far to the Tenggol island, and he clenches a tiny rock in his hand.

How long are you planning to stay?

"I don't know. The points only got me one way. I still haven't figured out where should I get the money to return back home. Are you okay with me staying over?"

You can stay as long as you want. This house is too huge for me alone.

"I miss you, you know"

Shut up.

ZA

Perception

The roads are little rough lately. I have been waken up by potholes and bumpy ride. What may a steady cruise at 100mph on a freeway, now have become to a low gear drive. The speed reduces as the landscapes change, so to speak.

The literal roads are fine. These are mere metaphorical. And this view is not a representation or mere susbtitution to the word 'subdue'. Heart sinks sometimes, tears roll down off guard, staying strong is not strong enough.

In case you guys wonder, this is in front of my house here in Terengganu.

ZA

Jammed up

I love things unplanned, such as backpacking over Kathmandu to Pokhara to Nagakort with friends close enough you can share a toothbrush with. I haven't stepped my feet onto Nepal. It is my friend. And she'll be there in 3 days time. I asked her if she could give me a hitch-a-ride, but she nonchalantly replied that she only had a luxury worth of 30kg check-in luggage, so I was counted out.

Unplanned things and events always sealed with suprises. People you never know you're going to meet, the food you're about to eat, hell even what kind of toilet bowl you're going to sit.

Surprises sometimes come in a place you least expected. Like this abandoned structure at Kampung Meraga Beris where it used to be a place for kids and adults to hit a few chords from Oasis or Foo Fighters or Travis or perhaps Radiohead. It is now nothing but a blocks of bricks with the graffiti still intact. This place must have thousands of memories.

Where else can you find a place to unleash your inner self but with a bass guitar and drums and friends, a few feet by the beach? This building used to be perfect I guess. And I bet whoever used to jam over here, must have planted some fond memories beneath the molds, cemented under their feet.

I wrote my first song here. I sang my first song here. We screamed here. I hope it still echos somewhere. Perhaps bouncing between the walls and the rocks.

ZA

Good Morning

It is always a good feeling to be greeted with this view from your own balcony every single day.

Gorgeous good morning to all of you.

ZA

Artery Blockage Inhibitor

If you ever been to Dungun, Terengganu, you will be exhilarated by its wet market. Pasar Besar Dungun is the solace for Anna Olson wannabes and that's the place where I stock up my biweekly fridge ration. Sea produce are beyond world - super fresh, endless variety, and pretty cheap as well (if you know how to speak Ganu and how to smile and your bargaining skills is on par with the insurance agents).

Last week was a party of huge prawns. Humongous prawns were on sale and they sold it a bit on a pricey side. The funny part was if you handpicked the prawn by yourself, they charged it at RM60 a kilo. If they took the liberty to shove it themselves, then the price would be RM50 a kilo. Funny.

Anyway, I got myself some bones during the shopping spree. And I just bought a french oven yesterday, so why not venture into some comfort food? So this is the artery blockage inhibitor - sup tulang!

Calling over some friends to join. If you happen to be around, I hope the smell doesn't get to your nose!

Happy Weekend Everybody.

ZA

What Was It Wednesday?

I want my kitchen as gorgeous as Anna Olson's and turn my friends into fat happy people!

ZA

Weekend Home Cook Project

Anna Olson is part to blame for this project. This was my first successful attempt at cooking Sup Tulang. The last time I tried to cook it, it went as hard as rubber. This one is a different story altogether. It went well, the meat was so tender it fell off the bone.

I realized if I had keep it under heat and let it reduced, I might turn it into stew. So I did let it reduce a little bit more on the stove. Now it is thick, and ready to be served with bread.

Facebook comments were overwhelming when I posted this, friends were telling me the guy who dated me would be lucky. The thing is, I have gone into the phase where constant numbness has left your heart lost its sense. Come what may, good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or penniless, I just lost interest to be in love again.

Except that my love for cooking has never faded and will not fade, at least until the end of my breath.

ZA

December Rain

It stopped three days ago. The rain I mean. Chaos was imminent, in the midst of endless rain. Water level rose, connections were cut off, river unable to contain the torrents anymore. It was my favorite moment. To hear nothing but the noise from the roof, from the trickling drips of water on the ground. It was as if listening to the end of transmission on the TV. The white noise, some may call it. The sound that calming, that brings you to sleep.

The rainy season is the only season when you can feel a little bit cold on your feet. The days and nights under the warmth of blanket. Or the longest nights with the one you love on the bed. It is when parts of your childhood memoirs come to surface aside of your night lullaby. It is when you look at people who are a little unfortunate and you start to have a moment of reflection, of how lucky you are, of being able to live in a house filled with ample comfort. It is when you ride your car, and see the people who have to ride their motorbikes to go to work, to commute, to fetch their kids from school - under the striking yellow raincoats.

The rain starts again. The second wave, some might say.

Perhaps, this is the perfect moment when your subtle and fragile heart will be touched by the view of how magnificent this enormous gift Allah has given. Stop thinking about the natural commotion it brings. The flood, the landslide, the losses of living sources. This perhaps will sound a little cliche to you, but in every hardship, there's a reward in the end.

ZA

You

Stop pretending that you don't miss me. You suck at being pretentious.

ZA

Tengkujuh

Rain soothes me. The curtain of falling waters from the roof, the sound it makes when it hits the ground, a few degrees colder than what you always get, the puddles of water on the street, the mist and the fogs at the hills on the way to work. Everything.

Don't hate that rain. It is one of the most perfect time to pray, to ask from Allah. Be thankful.

ZA

Sixth September Two Thousand Seven

I live half an hour 60mph car ride from the place where I work. It is a long journey indeed; I have to wake up in the wee hour so that I could get every incomplete chore in the house, done. It is hard sometimes but I prefer that way.

Yesterday, I woke up at six in the morning. Took my bath, did my prayer, cooked the Australian beef I bought two days ago with black pepper and a sprinkle of rosemary, packed everything up and off I went to my workplace. It was 7 in the morning; the air was so damp I could smell the dew.

I suddenly remembered you today, just when the sun light hit me right on my face when I drove on the freeway to my workplace. I remembered you. I didn’t think that I’ll remember you again. I thought I’ve erased you but the tiny dot of memory still unbroken it attached strongly in my mind. My eyes reddened, I wiped my tears. I wept but the scream remained silent.

How strong I am from the surface, I am nothing but a fractured fragile glass waiting to be shattered into pieces in no time inside. How long I’ve spent my time to keep abreast with my work, I am wailing to keep on breathing in my heart. How hard this has been for me to get you out of my system, it is a struggle to keep me living.

Forgive me for what I’ve done.

ZA
6th September 2007

A lot of men got fooled by women. All in the name of tenporary beauty.

ZA

Custardiology 101

‎'Custard' is a name given by nina. It was not intentional. Constant fights and arguments were pretty tiresome so I wanted to call him 'bastard'. Nina said 'no'. It was too harsh a word. So she suggested 'Custard' which is cute, and OK and does not sound condescending. So there you go, a little brief intro into Custard's history.



ZA

Afterlife

You will find your inner peace, when you know what you want inyour life. And afterlife.

ZA

Green Horn

A friend brought me over to a secluded place. The beach was huge, the sand was pristine white, the water was green and blue, and the sky was nothing short of an immaculate canvas.

No one was there except a few anglers far on the hard solid rocks. I kept silent.

"Remembering someone?"

Yes

"No"

"You lied. Still miss him eh?"

Yes

"No"

"OK. He misses you too"

Really??

"OK"

"Let's go. Lunch is up"

I don't miss you.

ZA

Unprecedent

Things might go really wrong, even when you do it perfectly right.

ZA

Teach Me How To Be Loved

My love life has been a downfall, always a downfall. Sometimes I wonder am I that bad that I don't deserved to be loved. But then I realized God has made everything so perfectly. It just us need to venture into the unknowns, so for that, I beg you, please teach me how to be loved.

Will you still be here tomorrow
Or will you leave in the dead of the night?
So your waves don't crash around me,
I'm staying one step ahead of the tide.
Will you leave me lost in my shadows
Or will you pull me into your light?
Teach me how to be loved

ZA

Yesterday

What breaks me, should break you. After all, we are humans. And as tough as human can be, we cry in the end. Otherwise, we are angels high above the sky.

Happy Birthday.

ZA

26

Life is short, make friends, hinder enemies, go see nice places, and never stop looking for someone that loves you.

ZA

Home

Before I go to sleep, I want you to know that you are not alone, because I want to make this place your home.

ZA

Unaccompanied Minor/

There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn't ‘cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.


Meredith Grey - ‘Unaccompanied Minor/’

Beautiful Day

You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they are never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest. And today was the wedding. It was beautiful. Perfect. You never know the biggest day of your life is your biggest day, not until it’s happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there’s not enough time because you want to live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days. You know, it was a beautiful day.

Grey's Anatomy

Sorry

Little did you know that things that make you happy, end up make you feel sorrow. i wish you the very best (and to myself too).

ZA

Chemisery

For the past couple of years, I worked with what I consider smart people, minus a bunch of oh-not-so-smart people and of course the lot of sheer moronic people. With these multicolors personalities, one with thought of this thing, and that another one have another thought of that thing, you know, it was a bowl of many crap ideas, but to my surprise, workable.

Minus the hair pulling, it was exciting though to see someone yelled at someone, screaming over the phone, threatening people over unmodifiable terms and conditions, finding quick solutions to problems that were not that head cracking, fighting in a cute teletubbies suit, it was a rainbow of many things!

Come over here, in my current place, people (or a person) seem(s) like having a huge problem in defining between chemical and chemistry. How trivia is that?

Chemical elements, and chemistry between two people DO mean different things. It does not coexist naturally like symbiosis interaction between moss and bark of a tree, or two different words (sound, spelling, pronunciation) that coincidentally share the same meaning.

Those two, might be derived from one same word (which surprisingly I don't fuckin give a damn) are uniquely stand by their own. Chemical elements - Potassium, Magnesium, Sulphur, Carbon, Aurum. You name it, single out from any periodic tables, then you have a CHEMICAL ELEMENT. I don't know. I maybe wrong. But I certainly know what does Chemical Element mean.

Phrases like "There's a chemical between you and me" or "Symbol for Kalium is Ca" or plethora of weird pronunciations, are like an amusement park. It injects you with a silent giggle you can't hold and in no time it bursts into laughter.

Where can you get such confident in someone who tells everyone a self humiliating joke? I don't know. I just found one, over here, in my own miserable self induced humiliation entertainment playground.

If someone asks me what on earth they are talking about, I will certainly tell them,

"They are cracking up Chemisery"


ZA

Green Light

Rain was pouring hard on the way back home yesterday. The clouds were not visible - unlike the usual day when it decided to just wash away the earth. There were no giant grey cotton candies, the only things that visible were only white blankets like a huge thick mist on top of unreachable hills. The feeling that it was going to rain was imminent, and it did fall finally.

At times like this, the only thing that was going into my mind was the moment I spent some time with you on our way back from Sugarland. The rain was as hard as this, and I thought we wouldn't see the light of day ever again. But I was wrong, we were happy the next morning having our crepe with caramelized sugar at some cafe by the road in the middle of nowhere.

You wouldn't remember because when I asked you, you told me that I was high on ice. Your selective memory was pretty impressive.

Thanks to you that you made me realized that you were not the only one that I have.

ZA

Live Forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly
Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks it to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever


ZA
(I love you Liam)

Foggy Road

That flyover over the horizon is the road that I take to go to work every morning. The road is foggy, with trees left and right and further ahead, cars are rare, trucks are once in a blue moon, only kampung houses separated by field of greens, miles from one to another. Things are simple over here, cow dungs on the road and goats crossing like no one's business and people leisurely cruising on their bikes. They live by the rules, and they stand over the boundary when they know they shouldn't walk it over.

I smile when I realize that it is not the songs over the radio that make me happy - it is the mist like a huge cloud that fade the road away. As if it holds mystery at one point, and opens up for the answers a few feet later.

Life is not that simple. I can't tell what is in front of me. It is like the morning fog that swallow the road away, but once you drive forward, your direction becomes clearer.

The only thing that matters is to keep moving. Turn back when you have to. But you will lose the chance to discover what miles further might offer you.

ZA

Jumble Up

This is my pageviews. It is menial. But it's okay because I love the number of that pageviews. If you jumble it up, you will get my phone number :)

Empty Bowl

Living alone is subjective. One day you love it, the next day you hate it. I can't tell whether I love it or I hate it. I have been living on my own since the day I got my first job, which is eon ago. What I know, it sucks sometimes to heat up your leftover because there's no one home to cook you dinner.

ZA

Dubious

Things have spun out of proportion since the day I took this new job. On the day I handed my resignation letter, the world seemed so clear and fine, as if I was doing the best thing, ever in my life. The Conglomerate told me to stay, handed me a letter with a figure imprinted that I didn't ever know would exist for someone at my level. I knew it's possible, but I didn't expect it would happen to me. They called, asked to meet, asked me to stay. When I was about to say yes, Aaron came into picture, telling me that if I took the offer by The Conglomerate, then hands down I would be the stupidest person that he ever met. Decisions were wide open. Jared did not say a thing. We just sat in the meeting room, listing out all of the pros and cons, make weightage out of it, scoring and see which one wins and which one loses. When The Conglomerate topped the chart over The Company, I was so sure to stay. Jared again did not say anything except that the decision was in my hand, and he did not have any control over it.

Two weeks later, after an almost endless course of deliberate thinking, quit would be the final decision. The People knew what happened between Liam and I, so I said it's okay that if I stay, he still would be there and he still would my biggest pain in my ass. If Liam was the reason, then the whole world is cordially invited to throw shits and spit. I left because I was so sure that I had made the best decision in the longest time. Like what I said in my farewell note, I will never know until I try.

And after a couple of months on self-assume trial, regrets are budding deep in my heart. The first few weeks were hard. I took it with a grain of salt, convincing self that I was just going through the process of normal homesickness. I used to make huge decisions. But not any more. I used to be wise, but it seems that I use my brain a lot lesser now. I used to have controls over people, but I feel ordinary now.

Things have changed a lot. Away from my comfort. Away from the place that have brought me life and friends and love.

The Conglomerate is wicked. But I just miss it and it's oddities.

ZA

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri

I met with the new me, almost a year ago. And it continued until today, the Eid of 2012. I wish you Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. If you happen to be in Terengganu, let me know. I'll play you host. 

ZA

That Disgusting Chup Chap Sound

If you really want to date me, start learning to chew your food with your mouth closed.

You just got your precious nine points slashed.

1/10? Try again.

Maybe not.

ZA

New Chapter

I changed my job a month ago. I moved from the serene Kuantan to the lush green Kertih. The first few days were mere a walk through a series of homesickness - how I miss the night I spent watching the moon at Kuantan Port, or the morning where I took a stroll along Balok beach, or the bustling evening at the Beserah sea produce market, or the weekend when I'd stock up my pantry from the Pasar Tani Mega. It all played in my mind, so silent, without any sound, just images each passing by when mind was unoccupied, or when things got rough and I was out of control. I just missed those so much.

But who am I kidding? Who am I fooling? I don't miss those thing. I miss you, and you and you, and you.

Oh come on. Grow up.

ZA

Written On The Wall

I had a chance to break fast with my family on the first day of Ramadhan. With two of my other siblings, and my mom and my dad. Some congregate for Eid with the families from every nook and cranny. Wouldn't it be sweeter for us to sit together for iftar, then for maghrib prayer then for tarawih later on?

I just want my life back. Like it used to be.

In the bathroom. Early in the morning. Where memories all saved on the wall

Drained

This new job is pretty demanding.

I miss Liam

ZA

The Goods, The Bads and The Hopes

Months and years fool us to believe that they are winding and long, but have not we realized that when we enjoy the moments we have in hands, the time passes so fast just like riding in an electric train, where scenes change and morph into something new, so instantaneous, gone in a blink of an eye.  

One month shy, and the five-year journey seems so short, and it felt like yesterday when I sat in a room facing three unfamiliar faces asking awkward questions. The question of why I got accepted is still wrapped in its own mystery, and truth be told, how pathetic this would sound, I thought I did not deserve a place here. But I was wrong, most of the times. Two months later, I was here, this new cocoon, this place that has changed my life forever. 

This place stores thousands of surprises. It is like the playground where kids laugh, and run, and hide, and push one down, and throw banters, and make jokes, and cry, and sod, and yell, and of course this is the place where kids just being kids. This is the place where those kids have their high-low on their seesaw, feel on top of the world on their swingset, get dizzy on merry-go-round, being soaked in adrenaline down the slide, get confused and trapped in the maze, make their dream castles in the sandbox, and for once, feel their feet of the ground hanging by the monkey bar. They get so happy and mad and upset and jolly and excited - but in the end, when the sun descends over the horizon, the only place they would go is their home.
  
This is my playground, where I have met a lot of persons beyond colleagues, friends that were there for you when you need them the most. Friends that would lend you their shoulders when you run out of tissue to cry on. Friends that would laugh even at your lamest jokes. Friends that would slap you on your face when you walk out of the boundary. Friends that would dispense you advice like they are the most expensive shrinks on the world. Friends that would listen to your crappiest stories even they have their share of crappy day as well. Friends that would rather die than being the rat spilling your darkest secret.

So this is it, the road that I have walked meets to an end. At this particular point- where once it was a straight unwinding road, where it once just thorns and potholes on the ground, where there were times when flowers of many colors bloomed and accompanied me with it's faint summery scent - now just a point for you to take a deep breath, think and decide. It's an intersection of choice, either to walk straight, head held up high, no turning back. Or either turn left, or right, head held up high, smile, and no turning back. Where it once sweet scents and comfort breeze blew you up on your face, now it may bone shattering cold snow, or perhaps scalding hot draught. The thing is, you will never know until you try. 

So thank you, thank you and thank you. I can't thank you enough, I can't feel sorry for running out of words to thank you either. This place turns me, changes me, makes me someone else. So bosses and friends, I can't tell how much I owe you guys. And accept my apologies for my misdeeds and wrongdoings, I am sorry I can't be the one you'd hoped for.  






ZA

On The Crossroad

You can't choose. But you can't stay. It is in between being nice, or being cold.

I used to make decisions. I can't right now.

ZA

OL

It has been a journey of ups and mostly downs with The Conglomerate. And I believe this is the time for me to move on. Part of me tried to reason with the disastrous episode between me, Liam and Custard, and with any other alphabetical muses that I have been using all this while. Another part of me wants to leave behind all this catastrophe moments, that by putting it away, I will be able to forget.

Sometimes it is the case, and most of the times, it is not. A scar remains where it is. It won't heal. It just won't go away.

This is perhaps a giant shark that I'm leaving, but the small dolphin over there promises me with more sweet rides later on.

I buy sweet promises. Easily.

ZA

Him

I took this picture when I was somewhere Asia during my weekend getaway. Can I have you tonight? :)

ZA

GPP

My deepest condolences to the family of the demised of the PETRONAS GPP3 explosion tragedy this afternoon. What had happened was tragic and a permanent scar to the current system of safety standard that they practice right now.

As what I always tell to my subordinate
'Think safety, work safely. Because simply you don't have another life to spare'

ZA

Bonjour

It's always the moment on the way back home, looking at the tarmac of the runway slowly transforms into a breadth of greens and tiny squares of crops; got amazed by the clouds that engulf the pinnacles of unknown mountains, feeling so unsatisfied by the temporary view of beauty when all of a sudden all you can see outside the tiny window is nothing but an endless white canvas. And you touch the tempered glass, and you feel it by your little fingers, and it is so cold as if it is being soaked in iced water, and when the frosts start to emerge like a sprawl of tiny fractures on a mirror, you start to smile because you know there is nothing wrong about going home.

About going back to the ground you used to dance on, about being mad in an infinite loop of crazy traffic jam, about speaking in the language you grow up with, about waiting in line to buy a cheap meal at the pedestrian, about gazing at the smiles of familiar yet unknown faces, about talking trash with your friends about a friend who is about to get married, and definitely about being yourself at your own country. There is certainly nothing wrong about going back home.

And it is always a feast to grow the anticipation in you stomach, like the nervousness before being called to sing on a stage on the last day of your junior high; or when you about to get your first kiss by the one you hopelessly fall in love with - it is so close, yet feels so far. And when your mind being so occupied with the good things there right at home, the time flies unnoticed. Just like when you listen to the music that you love, in contrast to sitting alone in a room with nothing but four-wall so rustic it almost grimy.

The voice of the lead stewardess that always the one what will break the endless, infinite time continuum. As if a kid being shoved with a lollipop, so jolly, so happy, so can't wait to get back home. I know this may sound cliche, but as what Janus said in his letter,

This may all sound rather trite and clichéd to you, but I will remind you that expressions only become clichés through over use, and they are only overused because of their truth value. The truth, in the end, is often trite.

Hello Malaysia

ZA

Spring Cleaning

I wasn't there and I didn't know what happened, so I don't reserve any rights at all to judge.

ZA

Confusion

Even if you try to be happy, you still end up being alone.
Your eyes tell very well.

ZA

A Little Walk

When Liam and I were still together, we spent most of our times on jogging. That was the only way out on Saturday and Sunday morning, when Sarrah was still fast asleep in the bedroom, couldn't care less of Liam's whereabouts, couldn't care less what they would have for breakfast, couldn't care less because she knew that he'd do it alone. But the thing that she didn't know was that he went for a free Sunday saunter with me, along the quiet beach, with no other sounds except our laughters and the waves that hit the shores.

Who am I telling lies if I say that I don't miss him sometime? I still have him in my mind. Before my eyes. His voice always lingers in my ears.

I went to the port, trying to invoke some of our memories here. I recalled the moment when I asked him about some random engineering questions, and when sometimes he played dumb giving me wrong answers because I was always be delighted if I knew that I knew better than him.

And I still remember that I asked him who owned this drilling rig. He definitely did not have the answer. He did not know. I love being victorious.

It's Transocean's SEDCO 703. 

ZA 

Because You Won't Understand

I realized one thing this morning - I didn't spend much time any more on writing. Just like these little white balls that grow so fondly of the shade from the hot sun in front of my porch.

At one time you wish that you can tell everything that you want. And at another time, you wish nothing has been told to anyone.

Such contradiction puts you in confusion. And when you're lost in confusion, no matter how much is going around you, you're still alone.

ZA

Moon

It is indeed a beautiful night tonight. When I come back from a long tiring journey, I always peek outside my window. And these trees always calm me down. Always.

ZA

Cast Away

The journey was long. From Kuala Lumpur to New York to Atlanta. So Aaron and I did a lot of talking - about Liam

ZA

Incognito

I want to grab your head, put it closer to mine, and blow you with my wet kiss.
Whenever I can.

ZA

Detour

These past few days have been crazy. I live in between flights, hopping from one plane to another. Every short opportunity at the hotels were used to check emails, perfecting spreadsheets, and for a short less-than-5-hours sleep before boarding for the next flight to god-knows-where.

Tiring it is, and I feel like I am losing my feet sometimes. But this makes me forget Custard and Liam. I think that should be okay.

An aching foot is 1 million times better than an aching heart.

ZA

Losing Ground

Tim cook looks like a loser when delivering his keynote for the new iPad. Anyway, a loser like him runs the most valuable company on earth, while me, a gazillion years a loser than him, sitting on my chair, staring at him, wishing that i can be like him someday. How much loser can it be?

ZA

Tulips

Aaron is cold, and sweet, and bland, and at times a tad too sour. Like a layer of flavor in a lollipop. Colorful outside, unpredictable inside.

ZA

Somebody That I Used To Know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Dinner Tonight

When Custard and I were still together, there were nights when I cooked him his favorite dishes because the best thing that I could get from him was his smile gleaming with happiness upon opening up the container that I brought to him.
The one that he loved the most was my homemade beef burger with dollops of dijon mustard, thick cheese and fresh butterhead salad.
I shouldn't have a thought about him, should I?

Good night

ZA

Five Times One

My blog has never been famous. Traffic on average of 4 page views in a day.
But I am absolutely happy with the number that appeared on my dashboard today. There are people out there who helped me made it.

I am celebrating 11111 day today.

Happy 11111 Day everybody!

ZA

Glances

You said to keep on smiling because that made me special.

Thank you

ZA

Just Now

Sad that you have lost your interest in enjoying life. Sad that you are fucked up and you don't realized like a fucked up person. You a fucked up man. Seriously fucked up.

You should've known in the first place.

ZA

Pie

When I reached there, the road was barren - it was so long and deserted, the end of the road was a tiny dot from an infinite perspective. Reality is like a bed of roses - the petals are so red, but there are thorns that will make you crazy. A week ago, I received a notification from Facebook telling me that Custard wanted to befriend me - once again. It took me three days before I hit that Confirm button. Never thought it would be easy, I knew that, but I didn't want to hold grudges in my life. Why should I keep the personal vendetta when there are too much hatreds already in the world? So the old stories flooded back in, like a tsunami of memories, swept through from the ocean floor up to the highest waves. I befriended him for two days before I removed him from my friend's list. One does not befriend her ex, I told myself. But that just another excuse to make myself feel better. I tell that later.

So it was Sunday, the second week of February. Memories are everywhere, from the Club Med to the secluded beach that I reigned territory before. I just had to run away, I just had to forget, I just had to dissolve myself into a relaxing Sunday, the normal Sunday that most normal people do. This place has been my hideout. I jogged here, I slept here, I screamed here, I drew here, I wrote my entry here, I had my lunch here, I once dated Custard here, I once had my happy moment with Liam here. Of any other places that I had been, this is the place where I found my solace.

For once, I got to see how almost clear the sky was, how blue was the ocean, how pretty the clouds in front of the blue canvas, how free the white seagulls were looking for the fish in the open sea, how asymmetrical the rocks that crashed the wave.

For once I got to open my camping chair, sit down, and forget. And for once, after many weeks of struggle, I get to plan what's for lunch tomorrow. I know it won't be Shepherd's Pie.

ZA

Going Stealth

True. You are being constraint in your own thoughts, and you dwell too much on it, and you think you are right all the time. Sad that you have lost a few good moments cherishing what you are doing and what you have done.

ZA

Move On!

I don't cling to past memories (well, sometimes), that's why I changed my blogger template. I care not if you hate it, but I love it.

ZA

Hidden

Don't google me. Zubaidah Arshad is only my pen name.

ZA

An Ex

It all turned mundane since the day he came back from Hungary. It wasn't quite the same. I didn't attend to his requests, I didn't go to his table for nothing, I answered his questions with hums, it spun like in a spiral of time. Of when you know things wouldn't get better anymore, and you wanted to end this up because you have wakened up from your day dream that this was all wrong, and all you ever wished that this never happened.

To whom should you place your blame when all those sweet time are now nothing but a stretch of awkward silence and stale conversations? I caught his glimpse once in a while, but that's all, nothing major. Surprisingly after two months, things are getting better between us. No feelings involved, and we don't go jog out together anymore. There's a lot of sayings that you couldn't befriend your ex, well, it is true. And I am stand by it. Why should go befriend someone that used to make you feel special? Certainly there will be a lot of unresolved things, something that you have been holding on for quite a long time and you couldn't find a right moment to tell all of that because all this while you have been dodging and ducking under the table not wanting to bring up the old memories back?

People around me realized that, that there is no more nudging, poking, stupid jokes, banters that he used to throw at me. Stupid me if I don't realize that, but I am happy he is acting that way because I believe that is the way it supposed to be.

I was wrong in the first place, and he has been wrong all this while. It is true that our eyes are being blinded when we are in love, the sights were blocked by the confetti of stupid emotional feelings, our senses were grayed by the temporary happiness it gave. When it was over, I had a good look at him, and then I saw what I didn't see when I was so affectionate by his artificial love. Well, let's that buried with all the times that have been wasted spent on him.

Now we are moving, and we are colleagues. We work together, as if nothing ever happened between us. We couldn't tell lies that it happened. But at least we tried.

And the strive is showing some results. I don't know if I should feel happy.


ZA 

It's Okay

Too long been gone makes you being forgotten.

I need my black umbrella. It's raining cats and dogs outside.

ZA

I Love How We Can Be Humans Sometimes

Forget hatred, let off your vendetta, loosen your muscles, and just smile.

I love it when we can be humans sometimes.

ZA

KL

Imagining things would go the way that I dreamt. And laughing to the old jokes that make who am I.

This can go on so long that it will never end. It just that we do not give it a chance to grow. It just that life is much easier that way.

Perhaps this comfort you live in make you forget?


ZA

It May Take Some Time, But I Am Absolutely Recovering

Gone Going

Pardon me for my hiatus. I will be back soon. I promise.

ZA

I Can't Go

It must be so frustrating when all the hard works that you have done, now being treated like a pile of dung.
It hurts. So much.

ZA

Love On Interest

Please. Don't take my sunshine away.

ZA

On The Crossroad

After much ado, I got him a present. A designer item that I bought online. But I contemplate. Should I give him something when all this while he treats me like a trash?

ZA

Out Of Reach

"Pumpkin!"
"Pumpkin!", Liam called me from his desk, tried to call as loud as he could, but turned out as low as a hiss. I turned over. He smiled. The curvy line that his lips made when he smiled was somewhat tantalizing - that you really wanted to hate it but you couldn't because it spelled some charm into your mind by only a glance of his face. The island of four tables that I sat in was empty. Each of them fled somewhere else, perhaps to some urgent meetings, or to the field, preparing templates before setting up the new benzene tank. If he really wanted to say something, that was probably the best time to talk without any intervention from other people, or at least it would save him some explanation to explain to the other lot.

The laptop screen was full with numbers and parameters. The question Gianni asked me the day before whether to proceed turbine shaft balancing with 6.3G or 2.5G was left unanswered. The hissing amplified. I looked at him again, and his fingers made a semblance of a rough wave, asking me to go to his place. Hesitating, I walked to his desk and stood still beside him. There was a silence, but in every silence that we endured, there was always a smile. And that's the case again.

He reached his hands to his second drawer, slid it open, and took out a box. A wooden box. And brown in color. The box was pretty with a carving of an unknown font at the top of the lid. The wordings that were carved on it were unreadable, but it was beautiful nonetheless. He reached out for my hand, brought it over close to him, asked me to flat out my palm, and he put that box onto it. He grabbed my fingers and closed it over. His fingers were warm, and I haven't touched them in weeks, and when it hit mine, I knew that I missed him so much. The wood veins were fantastic, spiral at the four-wall, and a gallery of almost straight deep black lines at the lid. The smell was between oak or imperial.

I smiled at him. It was the hardest thing by far that I had done on that day. Trying to smile to someone that I tried to forget.

"Thank you", and I walked away.



When I told Nina later that day of what happened, she said he did that perhaps just to make up the silent treatment that I had been giving him in the past few days. Because, she said, if he really really wanted to give me the brownish little box, he should've given me right the day after, not a few days late. I tried to reason with her explanation, and I saw where she's going with that. She was right. Or she was right until then.

"Have you opened the box?", the words she made was mumbled along with the beef lasagna that I brought over.

"No. I don't think I am going to open it"

After all what he did to me, this was not another episode of me going into the same pool of shits all over again. When all the numbness started to subside, the pain now emerged again. Nina quick to intervene and told me to take it with a grain of salt. I told Nina that I refused to dwell in the same old memories all over again, so I was thinking to move on. She was happy, and so did I. But who we are to lie to ourselves when the real happiness that we are looking for is never exist?


Later that day, I whispered something to Aaron. Something that I thought the whole day. Something that made me happy.

"It is okay if one person makes you feel sad, when there will be another ten persons that will make you feel happy"

Aaron quickly baffled and asked me whether he heard it right, and I told him that he heard me right.

"I think you are wrong. You got the sentence all wrong", Aaron looked at me in my eyes.

"Then what's the right one?", I looked him back in his eyes. His hair was a mess.

"It should be okay if ten people make you feel sad, when there will be one person that is going to make you feel happy", he smiled.

"But I don't have that one person, unfortunately", my heart sank.

"Oh honey. You have me right?", he grinned and laughed.

I turned my head to Liam, and saw him stared at me. His stares deep with jealousy.

At that time, I knew that my heart floated all over again.





ZA

Eyes Half Opened

He handed me a present, and he waited so long and only gave me when no one was around. Why did he take more than two days to do so? I thought, he was just making up for the silence that I've thrown.

Hard for me to do so. But I have to. The life I have chosen hasn't treated me fairly these few days. Forget sincerity, this is payback time.

ZA

Dark Lily

You really want to touch, but you are afraid of befallen into the same dark pit all over again. Don't lie. Your eyes tell well.

ZA

Next Tuesday

His Captiva, X7 and Land Cruiser were nicely parked in his porch. The grill was neatly locked, and the sliding door was closed shut. The house as if being left to be looked for to a neighbor because the owner was left for a long vacation somewhere in Nepal.

But that was not the case. He got home on Friday from Hungary and he has been locked up inside the house with Sarrah for the past two days, trying to make up the celibacy period they had to endure for the one week. The meeting that was scheduled for two long weeks had been shortened to one, so I guess there was not too much 'misses' to reconcile.

Since the day I sent him that email, I was more than reluctant to repeat the utter stupidity all over again. I have to admit that there was not a hint of feeling of longing to be with him, to look him at his face, trying to search for the sincerity that he actually loved me. That time has flown away. I could not take any risk anymore, so I left my feeling inside an unknown territory somewhere in my heart.

He'll get to work on Tuesday. I can't say that I am excited. In fact, I really wished that he got stranded in Hungary and got detained and never able to get back here in Malaysia.

I really don't want to see his face again. When I thought at first that I could not endure the weeks without him, I was dead wrong. In fact I was happy. In fact it was the happiest 6 days of my life.

Liam, you told me you want to quit. And I told you not to. But I regret that. You can quit. I won't hold your back. I won't tell you that you are needed here anymore. You are not needed.

Not even a second.

ZA

In Two Weeks Time

He will be leaving for Hungary tomorrow. With another guy. For two long weeks.

I am alone. He doesn't care about me anymore. When I sent him a text wishing him to have a safe journey, he replied with only an 'OK TQ'. Probably he was having some fun with his wife, thinking that this perhaps the longest they wouldn't see each other. In fact, I heard he told Wilson that he's going to spend the whole Saturday with Sarrah, with a little raised voice - hoping that I would hear it and making me jealous. Ironically, I did not feel a thing. It was his business with what he wanted to do with her. I was not included in the picture, and I had no business interfering with his sex and married life. He wished what he could do, then he had what he wanted to do. Wilson was naive. He did not know that Liam did that just to torture my feeling. Bravo. He executed it quite well, because I saw he took a glimpse at me when he said that.

Pretty sad that he had to do that just to grab some of my attentions. He noticed the changes in me, I thought. Because the past few weeks, I have been spending some time flirting with Kurt and Bryan. Kurt did it best when he called me 'Sayang', when he grabbed my waist in front of Liam, when he smiled the way Liam never smiled at me. Liam noticed this, and perhaps that's the reason why he smacked my butt with a roll of paper yesterday, or when he did again his signature remark of playing with my ear lobes. It all came back when Kurt paid more attention to me. It all came back when I stopped sending him emails telling him that I missed him and what not. It all came back when I kept business as business, I didn't go to his table without any solid reasons anymore, and the most important thing of all, I didn't cook his meals anymore.

And that's the reason I am having such a huge regret right now, that I wish I never sent him an email this morning. Reading back what I wrote, sent a torrent of shivers down my spine. I hope he'd delete that once he saw my name in his inbox. I really hope so.

Because if he ever tells me to fuck off, then I have no other place to go, other than to keep my face thick and pretend that this never happened.



ZA

Something to ponder

A Message by George Carlin:



The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.


We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.


We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.


We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.


We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.


These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...


Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.


Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


George Carlin

Give me your love, and I'll make you happy forever

Independence?

Words of God supersedes human rights, bar none. 

The Crazy Pills

Being sick and emotionally depressed teaches me one good thing — no one is going to care you on the rainy days. You are always on your own. So these realities check has shaken my view on the comfort zone. The comfort zone of being surrounded by distant good friends. The thought that you will have their supports when you need them the most, because personally I don't go drown my mom and my dad with my troubles because why should I when I can go tell friends that had swore they would be my lifeline when I am in distress?

Yeah, so you and I both clearly know the fact that those can be said on an idle Tuesday evening just like that. I can say that, you can say that as well, but the truth is I committed to what has been said, but you dodge them like you never heard of it.

I am not crazy, it just the sleeping pills soothed my night. You never know how bad my nightmares are, you never know that I am struggling every night just to get a decent sleep, you never know how do I wake up in the middle of my sleep and can't be able to resume it back. You never know. You won't know. Because you have distant yourself when I told you that I was on sleeping pills, that the doc prescribed me with meds to keep me sane during the days that I had too much to endure and it led me astray.

Funny when I called you and told you about that, you ditched the call and told me you have something else to do.

Funny when I sent you messages through Facebook, and I didn't get any reply thereafter.

Funny when you told me that I am your best friend but you never acted like one.

For all the reasons that perhaps you have in your bags, I am giving you the benefit of the doubts. Well, I love all my friends, but after what had happened, I imagined the circle won't be the same again.

And for that, I thank you Zaleha for being such indeed a best friend for me. You will always be. I truly appreciate that. Thank you for not ditching me because of those arid pills. You understood, and I need someone who understands.

And you too Nina. Thanks a lot. I really mean it.

After all these episodes, now I get to see the true you. Thanks for the revelation. It is truly refreshing.

Thanks for being my best friends. You guys had been great. Well, someone got to budge.


ZA

The Matryoshka Dolls

No one wants to befriend a dead weight. It stays within logic. Why should we chase for troubles when happy moments with other people are there await you with open arms?

History tells us to learn something from them, at least a fraction from a pool of unimaginable size of lessons. Instead, we ignore because we think we can reinvent the history, or tweak the lessons they have for us according to our likings. Mistakes are repeated endlessly and being committed all over again.

One part inside us really wants to share what is happening around. Because sharing at least elevates some weight off the shoulders. Sharing doesn't mean we want to trouble the other party, instead we need a living thing to listen, to absorb some emotions, to nod at the appropriate moments.

Sharing to inanimate objects are farther stretch the depression. I will leave you with your own meandering imagination to picture the difficulties.

At times, friends come handy. At times, friends are nothing but a herd of Chinese opera actors that the real themselves are hidden under the thick white make up.


ZA

The Withering Sneers

The usual stream of water was non existent when Carrie turned open the faucet. It was a series of weak droplets, the sound it made when it hit the tile floor bounced against the walls, the waves reverberated - almost harmonic. The alley was dark (or sullen), those lights that used to brighten the wall and made the texture of imperfect finishing embossed were now a copy of colorful flickering light at Joe's. She has never been to any place quieter than this, that the quietest place that she had been to was her room, during the absence of Kayla. But at least, the range of quietness was bearable - with screeching scream from the worn out bushings of Henry's aging wheel (his white '55 Thunderbird was a steal!) or from the lawnmower across the streets.

Carrie watched the water now slowly crawled to the ditch, like a centipede that elongated on the forest's floor. It moved so slowly down the slope, looking for a place to settle down. There was still no sound, except the plops from the droplets of leaking faucet. It wasn't the sound Carrie was looking for, she needed something else, some sounds that were more assuring. Like the sound of distant steps, or the hums from the engine at the nearest road, or the shout of Dean calling for her name. At times like this that Carrie suddenly missed all the screams and yells and fights she had with him. It all seemed more prevalent right now that she missed him more than she could tell she would. It all seemed right now that the fights she had with him were menial, stupid and most importantly, childish. When everything could be settled and calmed down with talks like two adults should talk, they instead resort to scream and yell. And now when she's alone, she realized how much times had been wasted when those times could be spent on the bed, cuddling, exchanging sweet talks, nibble his ears, stoke his chest hair and make the world theirs'.

"Carrie!"

Before Tomorrow

For some strange reasons, I dreamed about baking a choc cake for you last night. And I placed a slice on your table, so early in the morning when everybody didn't come in as yet. And a tiny black box with a brown leather wallet just sat nicely on a crumpled silky smooth white satin.

I opened up your middle drawer, in between papers and books, and I saw my card that I gave to you were still there, hidden underneath your bills. I couldn't find anywhere more appropriate to hide it, so I put it in there.

The dream was halted while I was waiting anxiously for you to come over, I was dreaded to see you. I was dreaded to see you beaming with excitement or at least to witness a splash of happiness on your face.

But that didn't materialize. Abah woke me up for Subuh.

As I sat on the bed, with eyes still glued like I hadn't had my sleep for years, my mind wandered on the dream that was just gone stopped. I knew that I didn't think about him as much. I knew that. Perhaps I suppressed my feeling under my state of incongruity? I couldn't tell.

For some strange reasons, I think I miss you too much.

ZA

You Owe Me An Explanation I

What would you do if you have a tad too many things to do, and don't even have time for your social life?

I can't figure out. Because I don't any social life, in the first place.

How sad. How sad.

ZA

I Love You

Told him that. So, when did the last time you did something for the first time?

ZA

At The Airport

Waiting at the gate to the down under. Should be happier there. I suppose.


ZA

16th

I couldn't remember the day I was born, I just knew the date, and it was exactly the same as today, October 16th. Gone were the days when I was more than eager to write, gone were the days of me and my pens. The only moment that I have right now, is me and the dimmed lights.

That's all.

Spent the morning of becoming a year older jogging near the berth. With Liam. He sent me a text a night before, asking me to go out. I am okay. I just need friends to run together with me, but in this case, he isn't a friend. He is someone to me.

Was hoping to get a kiss on my cheek, but stupid me that was the least thing that I wanted. It went okay. It went okay. It went just okay.

Tomorrow's another day. As I always say.

ZA

Alone

The fact that I was pretty happy yesterday was inexplicably unexplainable. For some stupid reasons, I laughed to the banal and menial jokes, I swirled and danced to my own hums of love songs, I looked into the mirror in the washroom and amazed by the color of my eyes, I smiled to every people that I met, I take scolds and angers like a gush of breeze at the sea shore, I walked to places that I seldom stepped onto, I howled at banters like there was no tomorrow.

I could not remember the last time I felt that way, perhaps yonks ago, maybe seven or eight years ago, perhaps I never had it at all. It just this feeling came by like the sound of train from afar - you know it was coming, and it was nearing, and the pinnacle of the happiness was when it passed by you, leaving you with a stream of pass-by wind that made you forget for a while the worries you had on your shoulder, and when it's gone, all you had was nothing but a complete quietness and utter silence, making you wanting more, making you craving for more trains. Perhaps at the other platforms.

5th October 2011

I kept that in draft, trying to steal some time to write, but I couldn't. When I said it was temporary, it was indeed temporary, with nothing much to salvage on the sleeve, with almost zero hopes for another ride of joy to make you feel like somebody to someone again. Funny how these things work, funny how all these make you realize that you are alone, funny how all these stupid emotions swirl and in the end stuck in limbo. The incoherence of my emotions has made my life gone bonkers. Often I would lay on a huge rock at the berth witnessing splashes of waves being hit on the asymmetrical rock, wondering what if I were to afloat in the open sea – alone – without help. Maneuvering life unaided is perhaps the hardest thing one would forgo.But don't you think, its the beauty of shaping your own life without the undesirable intervention from unwanted parties that make your life as beauty as it is?

Pursuing things beyond normality always end up with total misery. I am trying to dodge it out, but sometimes, bullet can hit the target - bull's-eye.

ZA